little zoo trips

Time to do spontaneous things. To sometimes get up in the late morning, notice beautiful sun outside and go for a walk in the park. Now that we live in the city centre, we got to walk the prettiest lanes and even visited the zoo on our Sunday noon walk. There was also a running marathon held in the park at that time. The sky was clear blue, there was some chill in the air, as we walked and photographed. It's going to be a pretty long post and full of deer, you have been warned! :) Also, before I forget, I set up a facebook page for my blog, so you can guys be updated this way, "like" this way! 

peace of mind

This week has mixed me up. It has made me feel in love, yet so out of love, at times I was barely standing on my own feet. I can tell you one and one thing only. Despite however life treats you, and if you find yourself responding to it too much, you just stay who you are, and you will be just fine. We have done an incredible work, the two of us, the past three months. And I shiver at the thought of having it all gone, in a second or two. And it might be gone, who knows, but at least when I look at myself in the mirror, I will know that I had tried, and maybe in the end it will make me hate myself just this little bit less. Please promise me that you will trust your gut, okay?

So I need to take a deep breath and just do my thing. Move on. I'm not saying I want to be the weak one, the betrayed one, any time in future. Being tender as they are, relations do leave you hangin', in a way. And maybe it's okay. You're only twenty, you don't need to see all the cards on the table. Just feel that what you're going for is what you want. And oh, okay, you could go around, being silly, trying to prove something to someone, but it's better to be a hurt, fragile yourself than bring unhappiness upon yourself by acting like someone you're not - only because it's easier and it might make you feel better for a moment. Cause you love, for god's sake. You love, and this should be enough. You love, love, love.

Become the person you would ideally fall in love with. Let cars merge into your lane when driving. Pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. Stick your tongue out at babies. Compliment people on their cute clothes. Challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. Then two. Then a week. Walk with a straight posture. Look people in the eye. Ask people about their story. Talk to acquaintances so they become friends. Lie in the sunshine. Daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. Open your eyes. Take small steps to make it happen for you. 

Small steps are fine. They're fine, we're making them together.

Zenit ET with Agfa vista 400, again. Quite a lovely combination. Poznań, get ready for us on the 25th. Thank you for the film suggestions you've left me under the previous post. Possibly next week I'll order some new film to stack myself up for my next trips. Stay safe, everyone. Kisses!

days without incident

And sometimes, those words are so on the tip of my tongue, but I exhale slowly, not verbalizing a thing. You want me to tell, but I cannot. You wait for it— I know. Then the moment's gone and I swallow them back down. I shiver under your questions, aimed at my heart like bullets. I might be your Pandora's box, which you know you don't want to open, since it might have far-reaching consequences. There are cracks in the concept of us, which I know I fear to face. Then there are cracks in myself, and I guess you would have to accept them one day. If you could of course, only if you wanted to. I was a fool to ever think it might not be as hard as they said it would be. Life, relationships, being enough. You cannot make homes out of human beings.

You wanted me to tell, so I told. And now I get to repeat it over and over again, only sometimes feeling foolish at how my voice breaks while my heart surfaces. Damn me, I might have a heart after all. Sometimes I wish I did not. Sometimes I just want to shrink and become an object. An old music box, covered with dust, stashed away on one of your gran's shelves. A vinyl record, scratched, because you've played it lovingly over and over again, until it got worn down. I want to be a pollen, landing on your perfectly shaped nose, in a hot and sultry day of late summer, light and unnoticeable, just like I've always been unnoticeable to you. I want to be just an object, have no dreams nor expectations. Have my place in this world. Place, which wouldn't be questioned by a soul.

A thing you don't know yet is that I recently bought a new camera, old Zenit ET, which literally cost me 5 eur. I've got my first roll of film developed today and taking into consideration that I still have no bloody idea how to use the selenium lightmeter, I think I did a pretty rad job on this one. Zenit ET is lighter than my Praktica and it seriously gives me this extra boost of energy to carry it around and shoot more. Also, even my biggest critic said that the results weren't that bad. Agfa vista definitely lost some of it's magic though, but we will work on that soon enough, in Poznan! Yes, I'm going to take part in another dental conference. Therefore I need more films, pronto! What is your favourite film that you use nowadays, huh? I'd use some recommendations. And yesterday we finally got those famous burgers that a place in our town serves. 

leaking light.

Yes, I am still very much alive. I'm terribly sorry for being missing in action. I am still here, I still catch up with what my friends post, and I do have this incredible need to share my ramblings with you. I just don't take enough pictures. Maybe because I live a pretty static life. I don't move from place to place, I surround myself with the very same people I knew few weeks ago, few months ago, even in 2013. However, my life does change. Unfortunately, life's cruel (or maybe just people are), so this is how much I'll share. Please just know, that I am, in fact, happy. And I try my best to cherish this happiness that I've gotten from the universe. I told myself, K, you really need to finish a roll of film this week. You've got to. You've got to write.

I'm glad to tell you that I've accomodated. I accepted the changes the fourth term at med school brought, and I embraced them the best way I could. It was a killer, though. But I'm doing alright now, thankfully. I'm currently on this line straight up to holidays. March, April, May and June. Lack of sleep (at least 4 hours a night, okay?), lack of social interactions, lack of time, suffering through Microbiology classes. While all I want is to live my life like a Mumford & Sons song. Recklessly, at the top of my lungs. God, oh how I want to be spontaneous. Wake up next to someone, again and again. Feel inspired. BE NOISY. Spring's an amazing season, hands down. I can feel it in my bones, on my lips and in my heart. Days like these, I am actually certain that we will be alright, whatever happens. In the last post, I wrote that March '14 has a lot to live up to. By that I meant not only the first two months of this year, but perhaps mainly March '13, which seemed to be a pretty special month. Now, I'm mature enough to finally face this comparison, and to say that last year I was just a child, ready to hold onto anything, anything at all, that felt alright. I did waste some time, some terrible amount of time, that I had on my hands back then. But most of all, it was all in my head. March '14, even if a bit further away from one hundred percent clarity, is something real, which can be touched with my hands, pulled closer, tapped with my fingers. How fantastic is that? My mountains are so high, my valleys will seem like they're all the way down in hell, when it all ends. But screw that, it's not my fault I'm happy.

I am in mood to write love letters, but I don't even write in my diary anymore. There's this unstoppable stream of thoughts, flowing down my mind. I enjoy having certain dates to look forward to. Even though nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow, and yup, plans might turn to dust as we turn to ashes, yet for me, a moment of blissful ignorance of the odds, so naive, but so soothing, is all I dream of whenever I open my eyes in the morning. I dream of it all being easier for both of us. Of the misadventure part being out of focus, just like in the first picture of that post. 

Love & Misadventure. The book I told you about back in December, finally making an appearance! :)

"Can I ask you something? Anything.
Why is it every time we say goodnight, it feels like goodbye?"

To say a few words about the pictures included in this post. Probably the one that stands out the most is the photograph where my whole year can be seen wearing white lab coats, right before we went to see an actual autopsy, thanks to our Patomorphology class. Quite unusual moment. Thank you K for making me capture this :) Other than that I included some light leaks that especially caught my attention while browsing through my new pictures. I absolutely love Agfa 400, but next time I'll be opting for 200 again :) It was lovely trying wider perspective with that new 28mm lens, but I do miss that insane bokeh Helios 44/2 has going on! :)

Please, be safe. With love, K.

once upon a jan

Jan, January, the month of lofty emotions. With things being unusually... different. The state I'm in right now is glorious, as long as I forget there's tomorrow and life, and changes of the heart. Time flies, runs through my fingers, gives frustration. I am slowly moving on with my school, preparing for one final exam of that term -- physiology, which, it's really fair to say, was the toughest I have had to face so far. Most time-consuming, perhaps. I will be spending my days in the library, 10am till 8pm of book reading and notes making leaves no space for the simple pleasures for the body or the mind.

Moving on-- with a feeling that I shouldn't miss on what's happening, I decided to take my Practica out and shoot more than I did the past few months. Funny, it got colder, but my heart got more eager. Temperatures outside are crazy, but thanks to the sun and smiling faces around me, I get through. If it wasn't for numb fingers, whenever I take me gloves off, I'd certainly say that winter this year isn't that bad. I was afraid of its cold touch upon my heart, but just when it started to freeze over, you turned the heat on again. Sincere thank you, darling. If I were to list the events that made the January the way it was, I should definitely mention Gdansk conference being a total win, at least for me, laying my hands on the new Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki, Friday breakfasts, which we could make a tradition (I wouldn't mind), cooking for someone, under the table touching, and reunion with winter. 

The feeling that surfaces the most is powerlessness, and even though I feel positive most of the time, I am actually pretty miserable. Whatever I do, I influence nothing. I just float. I am not even sure if I am currently on a tidal wave. I'm just somewhere, in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of nowhere. I mistake shadows as islands, storms as places to embark. The views are fantastic, I must add, the water's surface, on some days, glitters in the sun, and it's easy to let my heart love this state I am in. But sun only comes out this often, the rest is a mist, too thick to get through with my eyesight. The mist, which, it seems, I could choke on. But I stay on this raft, not even eager to seek a way out. The exit could mean one out of two things, drowning or actually getting somewhere if I just decided to take a chance and swim towards something, towards anything, rather than accept everything, every drop of water that gets into my lungs, smiling, pretending I am the toughest kid on the block, which I am not. I am not the toughest, I might still be a kid, but I am not made of steel. I am made of hopes and dreams, ups and downs. I am made of everyone that ever left me hanging, of each goodbye and every hello that made me smile after a long time of no smiling. I have trust issues and distance issues, actually a hell lot of issues, waiting to be approached. And most of all, I am capable of being nothing more than myself. So if it is not enough, I think I should rather want to drown in my own tears than pretend I am okay with us. The should do's were never my best friends though.

Then finally he was able to accept everything. Tsukuru Tazaki understood it at the bottom of his soul. People’s hearts are not linked only by harmonies. Rather, they are connected deeply by scars and scars. Tied by pains, and by vulnerabilities.