once upon a jan

Monday, 27 January 2014

Jan, January, the month of lofty emotions. With things being unusually... different. The state I'm in right now is glorious, as long as I forget there's tomorrow and life, and changes of the heart. Time flies, runs through my fingers, gives frustration. I am slowly moving on with my school, preparing for one final exam of that term -- physiology, which, it's really fair to say, was the toughest I have had to face so far. Most time-consuming, perhaps. I will be spending my days in the library, 10am till 8pm of book reading and notes making leaves no space for the simple pleasures for the body or the mind.

Moving on-- with a feeling that I shouldn't miss on what's happening, I decided to take my Practica out and shoot more than I did the past few months. Funny, it got colder, but my heart got more eager. Temperatures outside are crazy, but thanks to the sun and smiling faces around me, I get through. If it wasn't for numb fingers, whenever I take me gloves off, I'd certainly say that winter this year isn't that bad. I was afraid of its cold touch upon my heart, but just when it started to freeze over, you turned the heat on again. Sincere thank you, darling. If I were to list the events that made the January the way it was, I should definitely mention Gdansk conference being a total win, at least for me, laying my hands on the new Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki, Friday breakfasts, which we could make a tradition (I wouldn't mind), cooking for someone, under the table touching, and reunion with winter. 











The feeling that surfaces the most is powerlessness, and even though I feel positive most of the time, I am actually pretty miserable. Whatever I do, I influence nothing. I just float. I am not even sure if I am currently on a tidal wave. I'm just somewhere, in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of nowhere. I mistake shadows as islands, storms as places to embark. The views are fantastic, I must add, the water's surface, on some days, glitters in the sun, and it's easy to let my heart love this state I am in. But sun only comes out this often, the rest is a mist, too thick to get through with my eyesight. The mist, which, it seems, I could choke on. But I stay on this raft, not even eager to seek a way out. The exit could mean one out of two things, drowning or actually getting somewhere if I just decided to take a chance and swim towards something, towards anything, rather than accept everything, every drop of water that gets into my lungs, smiling, pretending I am the toughest kid on the block, which I am not. I am not the toughest, I might still be a kid, but I am not made of steel. I am made of hopes and dreams, ups and downs. I am made of everyone that ever left me hanging, of each goodbye and every hello that made me smile after a long time of no smiling. I have trust issues and distance issues, actually a hell lot of issues, waiting to be approached. And most of all, I am capable of being nothing more than myself. So if it is not enough, I think I should rather want to drown in my own tears than pretend I am okay with us. The should do's were never my best friends though.

Then finally he was able to accept everything. Tsukuru Tazaki understood it at the bottom of his soul. People’s hearts are not linked only by harmonies. Rather, they are connected deeply by scars and scars. Tied by pains, and by vulnerabilities.



18 comments:

  1. These photos are wonderful! The pigeon photo really caught my eye :-)

    p.s. Murakami is such a great author, hey!

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  2. well, it seems to me that its winter, even in the midst of so cold, is being very good Kasia :-) because the photos are super interesting! all this snow and the white doves enjoying the clean floor... lovely!
    I wish much luck to your intensive study! :-)

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  3. Love these photos, especially the pigeon one, it looks so peaceful! And same nyc is freezing cold lately, it's like 5 degrees fahrenheit sometimes and that's like -14 C

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  4. Lovely wintry shots - especially the first one with all those pigeons! ♥

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  5. Uwielbiam Twoje zdjęcia, są bardzo inspirujące :).
    Czaję się na tę książkę Murakamiego, ale piętrzy się stos maturalnych lektur, a chęci do nich brak...

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  6. These pictures are great, I adore the selfportrait in the little mirror. I wish we had snow. It's been cold but just rainy and windy... up north in my little country there actually was snow last weekend. I'm jealous haha! And dammit, I haven't gotten around in getting the new Murakami, please do tell us if you enjoyed it! :)

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  7. Getting lost in your words is now safely a pastime of mine. Your writings leave trails its mark on my heart.

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  8. That selfie is super adorable! P.S. Being yourself is definitely enough, do not convince yourself otherwise, Kasia! ♥

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  9. your photos are gorgeous. which murakami book are you reading? my husband is reading 1q84. not sure if i'm intrigued enough to read it but i've heard good things.

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  10. beautiful words, beautiful photos. i envy your talents x

    Katrina Sophia Blog

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  11. your words are so inspiring.

    gosh winter is so beautiful. it's so hot in australia right now. x

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  12. you took such beautiful pictures, i love the soft colors of them. and i have a love hate relationship with winter. i miss having sunshine on bare arms, but then it's so nice trying to catch that cozy feeling when it's so cold out. and snow if just plain beautiful, so there's that. and it's wonderful to hear you're still feeling inspired during these months- good luck with psych!!

    xo marlen
    Messages on a Napkin

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  13. These are beautiful soft tones, kasia.

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  14. Hi, I have nominated you for a Liebster Award!

    http://lifeasarollingstone.blogspot.nl/2014/02/the-liebster-award.html

    xoxo Anne

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  15. make a book out of this blog Kasia,it is well deserved :)
    the pigeon photo is so so beautiful, i wish i could see snow but it is so rare here...

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  16. Murakami always present :) I feel like embraced by your pictures. You know, winter is poetic and you can capture his essence.

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  17. Your photography is truly incredible, and your words such a lovely accompaniment. :)
    the Earth through a Lens

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  18. Hello Kasia!
    Thank you for visiting my blog!^^
    The first picture is really lovely!

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© Dipped in Rococo ~ lifestyle in analog Maira Gall.