days without incident

And sometimes, those words are so on the tip of my tongue, but I exhale slowly, not verbalizing a thing. You want me to tell, but I cannot. You wait for it— I know. Then the moment's gone and I swallow them back down. I shiver under your questions, aimed at my heart like bullets. I might be your Pandora's box, which you know you don't want to open, since it might have far-reaching consequences. There are cracks in the concept of us, which I know I fear to face. Then there are cracks in myself, and I guess you would have to accept them one day. If you could of course, only if you wanted to. I was a fool to ever think it might not be as hard as they said it would be. Life, relationships, being enough. You cannot make homes out of human beings.

You wanted me to tell, so I told. And now I get to repeat it over and over again, only sometimes feeling foolish at how my voice breaks while my heart surfaces. Damn me, I might have a heart after all. Sometimes I wish I did not. Sometimes I just want to shrink and become an object. An old music box, covered with dust, stashed away on one of your gran's shelves. A vinyl record, scratched, because you've played it lovingly over and over again, until it got worn down. I want to be a pollen, landing on your perfectly shaped nose, in a hot and sultry day of late summer, light and unnoticeable, just like I've always been unnoticeable to you. I want to be just an object, have no dreams nor expectations. Have my place in this world. Place, which wouldn't be questioned by a soul.

A thing you don't know yet is that I recently bought a new camera, old Zenit ET, which literally cost me 5 eur. I've got my first roll of film developed today and taking into consideration that I still have no bloody idea how to use the selenium lightmeter, I think I did a pretty rad job on this one. Zenit ET is lighter than my Praktica and it seriously gives me this extra boost of energy to carry it around and shoot more. Also, even my biggest critic said that the results weren't that bad. Agfa vista definitely lost some of it's magic though, but we will work on that soon enough, in Poznan! Yes, I'm going to take part in another dental conference. Therefore I need more films, pronto! What is your favourite film that you use nowadays, huh? I'd use some recommendations. And yesterday we finally got those famous burgers that a place in our town serves.