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George Bernard Shaw once wrote:

"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

Clearly, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice.

As far as I'm concerned, Shaw was a punk. Cause you know what? Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do, give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.

This year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for. But in a way, I lost even more.

Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year I wished for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world.

Now that I think about it, why do I always find the redeeming qualities in people? Trust and respect should be earned not just assumed. Foolish, foolish me. Meeting new people gained a new scary dimension for me, because how do you know if that person you've just shaken hands with, or found generally cool and kind or even fascinating (screw my general fasciation with people) won't just fuck you over in the end? Those are the days when I come back to the songs of the past, reminding me that I'd been treated worse and that I got through it. Away, away, says hate. 

GOODBYE YEAR ONE.
you will be missed like hell.

guest appearance of my friend's Smena M8 :)

day after.

Procrastination took over, again. If it all goes smoothly I'm finishing this academic year on Thursday and then getting drunk in the evening. For every single time that I managed to get out of my warm morning bath and actually go out to face the people, that major and my inner insecurities. 

My girlfriends & I decided to celebrate the Kupala Night last weekend. It was the first time for me, mostly because we don't really relate to that date in any specific way in the area I live. Now that I moved to a city over 200 kms from my home I get to experience a bunch of craziness I'd never thought I would!

{Kupala Night is celebrated in Ukraine, Belarus, Poland (Mazowsze and Podlasie) and Russia currently on the night of 6/7 July in the Gregorian or New Style calendar, which is 23/24 June in the Julian or Old Style calendar still used by many Orthodox Churches. The celebration relates to the summer solstice when nights are the shortest and includes a number of fascinating Pagan rituals.}

We were supposed to all dress up in white gowns (I wore something totally not appropriate because my wardrobe seriously lacks in simple while dresses [here I am] ) -- make some flower chains and "find" ourselves hubbies.

"On the eve of Ivan Kupala, the girls are weaving wreaths of forest and wild flowers. Midsummer wreath - is not just a decoration, a talisman against evil spirits and evil eye, symbolizing the cycle of natural forces and infinity. In the evening, at sunset, making a wish, a wreath is lowered to the water surface of a lake or river. If he would sail off into the distance - the desire to come true, if after a short time, stick to the shore near the place where it was lowered into the water - the desire is not fulfilled. Stick to the opposite shore - "in the side of your fate," will pop up in the middle of the pond - a year will pass without problems.

By wreath guess and betrothed. Shall put a wreath on the river, watch how he will behave. Sinking a wreath was a bad omen, "Garland drowned - pretty cheated." If the crown comes apart, pulled the chain and broke up into separate colors - so the girl not to get married this year."

So basically we drank some, we smoked some and then we went to the nearest river to be eaten alive by mosquitos. I certainly was. Ouch. We also went to a gig later that night, but that & the whole process of setting the wreaths on the water still needs to be developed since my GP B&W 400 film apparently requires some extra care. (1week+)

If I were to give an opinion on Kodak 200 Gold - well, it definitely needs some solid light. And it doesn't quite handle inside pictures without a strong source of light either. I wanted to try it because Nat took some amazing snaps with it in Tenerife earlier this month. Well, it's not my favourite but the pictures are indeed edgy! That's kind of cool.

throwbacks happen.

Saying goodbye to this city for 3 months will be harder than I expected. Things end, things begin. There is no bigger philosophy to that. It's the right attitude for every situation in your life. Don't let it get to you. Lightly darling, lightly. "It's dark because you're trying to hard. (...) Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me…So throw away your baggage and go forward." I miss my city so much, but I am sure I will miss this one the second I get on the bus home. It's funny how you leave home, coming of age, and realize that your soul belongs in all the places you love. All the places that has grown on you. You can't erase memories and those are what partially defines you as the person you are now. A curious case of how I've become this nutcase you got to know. A cathedral od deadbolts. A silly silly girl. Nerdy type. Feeling old but not very wise. 

(a bunch of) T h i n g s  this year has taught me 

about myself, people & the world (s o m e,  the hard way.)

1. I just can't help the Run Forrest, Run escaping my mouth when I see someone running past me. And it's not only when I am drunk enough not to care they might actually hear me.

2. I love herbal liqueur.

3. Estonian movies are actually pretty good. Short movies are even better! (See you later this year, ŻubrOFFka festival! For more than two projections, I promise!)

4. I still suck at ice-skating and I'm still too lazy to take up jogging.

5. Coffee without milk is not acceptable. There is a time and place for decaf coffee. Never and in the trash.

6. I actually feel good wearing dresses. Smock, skater, maxi, anything goes.

7. I have no idea how to manage my finances properly, although I always survive in the end.

8. Nothing mends a broken heart like a box of ice cream. A big box of ice cream. And possibly a marathon of Matrix movies. Possibly.

9. If you keep using analogue cameras in 2013 - people will think you're a hipster.

10. Good alcohol is not a waste of money. Some people are a waste of time though.

11. Ketchup goes with everything. I mean, everything.

12. Croissants + coffee + orange juice =  the best breakfast ever.

13. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong (sometimes).  Murphy's law totally applies.

14. Biophysics is one little shit. Histology is one big shit. 

15. Age is just a number, baby.

16. If you're playing hide and seek with your buddies and you consider an old refrigerator a great hiding place, do not get inside because they will not find you and you will die. 

17. People will check out your legs when you're wearing shorts and some will do it in a very gross way.

18. Warsaw is too hipster for me, but I do enjoy the overpriced coffee at Starbucks.

19. There are people who do good things for others selflessly. (Thanks for the tees, Joseph!)

20. Similar music taste is not enough.

21. Some people are obsessed with their cliques and some just need to know everyone. 

22. If you're going to a worst movies marathon, expecting the films to be any good is foolish. People go there to get drunk and do drugs. Plus of course - to laugh awkwardly, which will give away the fact that they  definitely sniffed or smoked something ten minutes ago. Or they're just mental.

23. If you're sad, playing the nicest thing by kate nash will not make you feel better.

24. It's not true that people sleeping on their stomachs usually get erotic dreams. Sadly...

25. You might actually want to stay sober the night before a long anticipated date. 

26. I still don't know how to distinguish a date from a not-date.

27. Spinach is one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. Raw salmon comes second.

28. Feeling sand beneath my toes calms me down.

29. If you're going to listen to Taylor Swift, at least turn off the scrobbling.

30. (An advice my friend gave me before I left for university) A l w a y s have money to go get some drinks.

31. Before you buy yourself another skirt that you possibly don't need, think whether you wouldn't like to spend the money on festival tickets.

32. Kings of Leon's Pyro has the perfect pace for a fast walk. Just perfect! 

33. Avoid making connections between your favourite song by your favourite band with someone who will be in your life for 5 minutes. Might ruin the song for you, just sayin'.

34. Redecorating your room while you're hangover? Bad idea, darling.

35. Windowsills are good for everything. Smoking, drinking, sadness naps, reading, stalking your neighbours,... Whichever works for you at the moment.

36. Some people never went beyond the stage of literally being nothing more than an asshole in their embryonic development.

37. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool my best friend, you're dead freakin' meat!

38. Statues make perfect models. At least they make it easier for you to get the focus right.

39. My best friends are here to stay.

40. I am still the same naive girl I was 3 years ago, but parts of me has been altered by the circumstances, places, people, sounds and experiences. I think I've grown up ;)

41.* Never take only black&white films to a concert. You might miss out on some color lights awesomeness along with a fireworks show. Oh regrets!

{double exposure plus trying to photograph in the bulb mode without a tripod, fucking magic.}

I am Jack's...

I am Jack's willingness to start over.

Late night studying, in and around the palace, fortunately brought some results! B+ in biochemistry! I'm gladly going to forget everything I know about pyruvate kinase or synthesis of ketone bodies now. Watch me. I'm one exam closer to summer. Let me just tell you, I'm barely coping with the heat! I dream of pools, cold water droplets on my skin & frappes. I need to hold on for some more. Cold baths will have to do for now. The saddest thing I learnt today is that my lovely Zenit has some serious problems. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with the shutter curtain, but I will have to look into that. Apparently, lomography is not as easy as it looks like. It's sad that in the end what I get is bunch of overexposed or half exposed pictures with only a few glimpses of hope for my SLR. I promised more humans involved snaps, but they all turned to sh*t, sadly! Don't fret though, one day I will have you all on my film. No exceptions.

Alright, I surely loved Lomography's 400 ISO film. Sensitive enough to catch some amazing hues & lights! I'm moving onto Kodak Gold which is a 200 but I still have faith it will produce some great results. On the other hand, I actually thought of getting something VERY expired. So curious to know what a film valid due to 1987 could do! When I get back home I'm going to try to shoot with a ZORKI. A camera my grandparents  kept in their belongings. One that captured my mum when she was a little child. Some important legacy right there, folks! 

The pictures in this post come from inside of the Branicki palace, the reading room, the view outside on its gardens and a detail here and there. Like I told you already, I am deeply and utterly in love with this place, so be sure I'll manage to smuggle a snap of it every now and then!

"YOUR LIFE IS NOT AN EPISODE OF SKINS. THINGS WILL NEVER LOOK QUITE AS GOOD AS THEY DO IN A FADED, SUN-DRENCHED POLAROID; YOUR DAYS ARE NOT AN EDITORIAL FROM LULA. YOUR LIFE IS NOT A SOFIA COPPOLA MOVIE, OR A CHUCK PALAHNIUK NOVEL, OR A CHARLES BUKOWSKI POEM. GRACE CODDINGTON ISN’T YOUR CREATIVE DIRECTOR. BON IVER AND JOY DIVISION DON’T PLAY SOFTLY IN THE BACKGROUND AT APPROPRIATE MOMENTS. YOUR HYSTERICAL TEENAGE DIARY ISN’T A WORK OF ART. YOUR ROOM PROBABLY ISN’T SELBY MATERIAL. YOUR LIFE ISN’T A TUMBLR SCREENCAP. EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WILL NOT BE BEAUTIFUL AND POIGNANT, INFINITELY QUOTABLE. YOUR PAIN WILL NOT BE PRETTY. CRYING TILL YOU VOMIT IS ALWAYS SHIT. YOU CANNOT ROMANTICIZE HURT. OR SADNESS. OR LONELINESS. YOU WILL HAVE HOMEWORK, AND HANGOVERS AND BAD HAIR DAYS. THE TRAIN BEING LATE WON’T LEAD TO ANY FATEFUL ENCOUNTERS, IT WILL MAKE YOU LATE. SOMETIMES YOUR WORK WILL SUCK. SOMETIMES YOU WILL SUCK. FAR TOO OFTEN, EVERYTHING WILL SUCK - AND NOT IN A WES ANDERSON KIND OF WAY. AND THERE IS NO DIVINE CONSOLATION - ONLY THE KNOWLEDGE THAT WE WILL HOPEFULLY EXPERIENCE THE FULL SPECTRUM - AND THAT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, LIFE WILL FEEL LIKE A COPPOLA FILM."

One thought lingers on though. Once, I indeed knew you. I would lie if I said I felt indifferent about it. 

Look how perfectly out of focus I am. I'M WORKING ON IT. Although it pretty much sums up how I feel these days -- out of touch with anything that's real.

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection,

(And yes, I had an afternoon date with Tyler Durden.)

I exist in two places, here and where you are.

There are several places I would take you to if I could and that little spot behind the Branicki Palace is definitely one of them. The whole complex is actually called the Polish Versailles. It is a perfect example of late baroque architecture! Ever since I walked through the gates for the first time I fell in love with every single detail about that place. One of those sunny days I finally had my Zenit with me, so I strolled down the main alley and took a few photos for you so you could see for yourself what I get to experience almost every day. 

My school's office is situated inside of the palace. Along with the library and the reading room as well as Museum of the History of Medicine and Pharmacy, lecture hall and a bunch of rooms which remain a mystery to me. We normally spend most time in the hospital(s) (med school, duh) or nearby buildings, but lucky for me the palace gardens are a shortcut I get to use a lot. I started to stick around some more when I decided to spend my afternoons in the library, studying. Next time I'm taking my Zenit inside, so you can see how beautifully renovated the palace is indoors!

How am I doing? I think I'm fine. I'm trying to deal with stuff, but sometimes I just snap. Just like that. I get all teary and melancholic. I started to listen to more aggresive and louder music to drown the noise of the regrets inside of my head. But like I said, I'm fine. And if I'm really not then I surely will be soon enough. Shortly, I will also be done with my exams which means the start of my summer break. I would do everything not to spend it at home. If it wasn't for the economic reasons I'd have had everything booked by now. Maybe I would have had even packed! It feels as time was just running through my hands like sand. I could be doing so much and then I end up doing so little. It saddens me that I will never go places or meet all the people worth meeting. But then again, I am lucky to have what I have. We all are.

If you ever get to visit Białystok and walk through the beauty which is that garden, please, think of me, as I feel like a part of my soul is forever lost amid those alleys and never to be retrieved.

nie licz na nic.

I'm feeling weirdly mixed up today. Maybe it's the fact that I only came back home a half an hour ago. Or maybe because I've seen two great movies today. Silver Linings Playbook & The Great Gatsby. If it wasn't for the fact that we'd already got tickets, we would have skipped the latter, that's for sure. Even if only to prolong the sweet state of mind the first movie left us in. The only way you can beat my crazy was by doing something crazy yourself. Thank you. I love you. I knew it the minute I met you. I'm sorry it took so long for me to catch up. I just got stuck. We were at some bar, drinking beer with our friends and maybe for a moment I even felt like I couldn't care less about the rest. Although my thoughts seem to wander away. Almost all of the time.

I had a lovely afternoon, I must say! For the first time in a long time I went for a walk by myself. Then I met Nat for a coffee -- but we ended up having lemonade instead, at the most hipster place in Białystok that I could think of. After that, I overexposed one of my films by recklessly rolling it up. Everything takes practice, I suppose. I'll get round to how to do less damage, I promise. Lomography has become a fantastic journey for me. Looks like by looking into the viewfinder, I might be looking into my own head at the same time. Fascinating. I'm slowly beginning to realize how big part of my design is the right composition. Also, details. I'm scared I might be taking my habit of taking pictures of food into my lomo world. Whoops. I'm definitely going to try to take pictures of more people. Architecture is indeed fascinating! So is nature in general. But humans, oh my, what a great piece of art we all are! 

What is that wanderlust that recently awoke in me? It's the first time in my life that I really begin to notice that. And what's more -- understand it. Just few days passed and my mind has already been to places like Berlin, London, even Tokyo.. Tokyo has become one of my biggest dreams. Mostly because this goal is unreachable. Who knows though. Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And then one fine morning—

Sadly, you can never escape your past. It might bring solace one night, but complete desperation the next day. How do you shake something that's already under your skin? (Yes, I am shamelessly quoting Hannibal here.) That sentence is haunting me. Same with names, facts and dates that randomly come up in different conversations I'm having every day. All the information collide and it's got an overwhelming impact on me, because I keep missing all that I can never have again.

varsovie diaries

The true beauty of this city, even though constantly interrupted by the rush, noise & smell of waste gas, somehow manages to shine through all that. This stay was supposed to mean so much more, but in the end, you don't get to use all the chances you might have. The willingness & eagerness to do that is all that counts. At last, it all ends with a promise of another time. I'm slowly starting to understand my Zenit, although it still surprises me every now and then. It's hard to get over the fact that some of beautiful shots I'd taken, seem to have vanished off the film. Including the ones I wanted to hold onto the most.

Life goes on though and it means new opportunities, new emotions to capture every day. I'm counting on that, mostly because of how much fun I had with the last 24 frames. I remember when I bought my first lomo and when I was choosing the first films to go with it. Expired ones -- I though -- that's how I want my memories to look like. It's not the cheapest hobby in the world, but I sincerely believe the joy makes it all worth, both the money and the wait to have your snaps developed. It takes practice too, ability to find the good light, get the image focused properly (you'll see I was having problems with that) & last but not least -- learn to respect the shots since the number of tries is pretty limited.

The animals, caged yet still incredibly beautiful and graceful, were my priority this time. I went to the Warsaw Zoo with my dad for the first time a couple of years ago. I remember exactly how we strolled down the alleys and had fun. I miss those times. I miss having a real bond with one of my parents. It seems to be gone now. Sometimes I feel like I'm in it all alone, emotionally. It helps me learn how to be humble. More or less :) I'm still pretty mean and unthankful for what I have. Funny, I seem to be meeting my true nature right now. I dyed my hair today. The result? Strawberry blond going on ginger. Incredible.

Like I promised, remember the dead bird I told you about earlier? Of course you do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not your regular psycho. I'm just fascinated by weird things. That's just how unusual I am :)