one year of analog.

Sadly, as you can say, I am not taking part in this year's August Break, but head over to Katie's or Evelyn's to follow their August journeys. If you're taking part in this challenge and I don't know about you yet, please comment below and tell me! I would love to follow your posts.

Photography has grown on me, and there is no better time for low iso photographing than summer. It's a curious case of how after a year's time I am still more than happy with what I am shooting with. For those of you who never took any interest in that, I am an owner of Praktica MTL 3, which was an exceptionally cheap find on Ebay last summer. At first, I of course opted for Zenit, but had some unpleasant experience with it, so I gave up.  Over the year I looked for different options, considering a Canonet, Olympus Trip, and many other. 

I had a quick fling with Zenit ET, which broke down as well, and due to econominal reasons (repair being far more pricey than the camera itself) it just collects dust at this point. Maybe it's because of lack of Flea Markets that I could attend and find something analog for myself. I also bought a second hand Lomo Fisheye No 2. I only shot two rolls with it so far, but I guess it's fun and this year I am giving it to my sister, when she goes on her honeymoon, so she can show you a little of that trip and I don't need to worry that she will break it or something like that.

I own only two lenses and most of the time I find that one is enough. I am completely in love with my 58mm Helios 44-2. Its bokeh is to die for, it's perfect for my guilty pleasure of shooting food and I believe you cannot go wrong with that lens. With some good light, it produces high quality, sharp images. 

During winter I bought a 28mm Helios lens. I went with Helios because I was very happy with the results 44-2 gave me, and I found that it was a pretty cheap choice. I don't plan to go professional with photography, therefore I don't want to spend hundreds of $ buying equipment. 28mm is alright, nothing which stole my heart though. It makes you feel like you have stepped out a little bit, and for once in awhile it's really refreshing to own such perspective.

Some time after that, around March, I looked for a more macro lens, but once again, not wanting to spend too much money, I gave in and decided to try an alternative - macro rings. I got three. And for now I am only shooting with the smallest close up :)

People still find it hard to photograph me in focus, and I cannot blame them. Focusing is the hardest thing they have to approach when using a manual camera. But over the year I stumbled upon bigger problems than wrong focusing. It was discouraging at first, and I found myself wondering whether analog photography was for me, but I never gave up and now I feel like it was the right thing to do. Analog brings me incredible fun. 

I have tried a variety of films, but my journey has just began. My most loved ones are Fuji Superia 200 (so mainstream, I know), Fuji X-tra 400, Agfa Vista, Kodak Ultramax, but I have many others that I highly doubt I could give up on. Only recently I made more brave choices when buying film. I finally bought a Ferrania Solaris, and as a gift I received Fujicolor Pro 400H, which I saved up for Budapest and I cannot wait to finally use! You can check out the films I have tried already in the sidebar :)

What are your analog choices? What film/camera do you crave at this point? Let me know :)

the heat.

Warmian people suffer from heat like any other. The only difference is, when the heat is too much, we're not dying in bathtubes, we're going swimming. Quite frankly, most of the time I'm even too lazy to leave home, frappes are somehow enough to cool me down, but from time to time, even I drop everything and go to the beach with some friends. I feel like they are not exactly cool with me taking pictures all of the time. As I'm writing this, they are arguing over who looks uglier in a facebook conference window. And they only saw a sneak peek of what's coming. 

No picture will ever truly capture the beauty of a moment, I'm slowly learning that fact. I try and try though. And sometimes it feels as if I "almost" got it right. Taking pictures with such a vintage looking and incredibly loud camera often makes me stand out. Let me just tell you, there is nothing I hate more than drawing attention to myself when it's absolutely not needed. When my friends want to take my Zenit and take some shots of me, my reply is always the same -- this is not how it works. I am wielding the lens. I think I'm content I was born in a beautiful place like this. Sometimes I just wish my city wasn't such a rathole, but apparently that's the price one must pay to experience all the other pros :) I would love to be able to spend my time by the lake in some more creative ways. Kitesurfing, perhaps?

Kodak Gold let me down once again, completely underexposing a bunch of photos I wanted to show you guys, today. (btw it's Monday again!) Fortunately it wasn't anything captured on the spur of the moment and I managed to recreate everything using a different film and a different camera today. The ready post is waiting in my drafts as I'll be getting those developed pretty soon. I actually finished my first Agfa Vista Plus roll, which makes me truly excited because all of you seemed to enjoy taking pictures with that one. I've been shooting with my new Praktica the past few days and although I am still shooting with MC Zenitar lens, I have a good feeling about this one. The working light meter really changes the experience! Although now it takes me about two times what I used to need to actually take a picture, I hope that this means the end of the overexposed / underexposed days of my lomo adventure.

I have also another post coming up, this one will be about introversion (as it's a crucial part of my personality and some people still don't really get it) and  my opinion on the "wholeness" concept. Of course all of these will be accompanied by pictures. I am also happy to announce that after a long discussion, my uni friends and I decided to spend a few days in Prague this September. If you're having any suggestions of places we should see, or things I should photograph in Prague, drop me a comment or an email. (architecture, food, partying, cultural stuff, gardens and parks, etc. etc.) Speak soon! x

 this is what I'm forced to work with. they're always on their phones no matter where we are. RUDE!

Little things are important, Mr. Wind-Up Bird.

Surround yourself with people who are intellectually stimulating. Vada Sultenfuss of My Girl, rings a bell? Anna Chlumsky? Jack Crawford's protege in Hannibal? The arm girl? Nothing? Okay, I'm done trying. To the point now. Today, I'm going to talk about something I find particularly intellectually stimulating. What is going on with me and Mondays anyway? The posts have been that irregularly regular because of the fact that developing film takes time, getting a full film used does too. I've moved onto the 24 frames film, so maybe that will speed things up a little bit.

It's Friday as I'm starting to write this post, but I already know it's not going to be up until Monday when I get my current roll of film developed. Oh schedules. I'm being really weird recently and I am deeply, deeply sorry about that, guys. I know it's the time I put my shit together. My excuse is, I, myself, know best when I need a couple of days off alone and if I decide to be a freak who spends her days under a blanket, with a book and/or coffee in her hand or Orange is the New Black (9 episodes in and I'm already starting to talk like a stereotypical black person on that show does) playing on her laptop, then be it. And origami, lots of origami! I noticed paper cranes while stalking Erin's blog and since I really dig them as a room decoration [and I'm already in the phase of decorating my new room in my mind] (switching rooms again) - I decided to give it a try before I order some fancy origami paper off ebay. If you're a beginner like me or, oh, you just suck at anything manual - see for youself - how to fold a paper crane in 25 steps, easy peasy! I'm going through some serious withdrawal, but I finally have time to do things I love the most. Eating, sleep and reading Murakami.

He's a contemporary Japanese writer, you might or might not have heard about. Even my dad has read a book of his, or two, but on the other hand, my best friend truly despises him. I don't judge. I understand that some people might find the complexity of Murakami slightly hard to approach. For me, stuff he writes is extremely inspiring. So far, I've read 4 books of his and I am currently reading the fifth one, 1Q84, which I received as a birthday present. Someone once told me that you should not trust people who don't read books. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of a bookworm. Not as big as my flatmate anyway :) Aren't people who don't read much, or basically never read much, slightly less sensitive about the world? There are certainly various ways of expressing yourself or taking the world in - sensitivity is definitely not defined by the number of pages one's read, but I can't help feeling that books and lives we live with the characters, that carry inside of us later on, help us shape what kind of people we are, almost as significantly as our own actions. If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking. One of my favourite Murakami quotes. Norwegian Wood - named by the name of one of the Beatles' songs. So I started a year ago, with The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle and let me just tell you, it brough so much joy, acceptance and understanding into my life. Also, I finally found a perfect tune for cooking pasta, because apparently, that's what The Thieving Magpie is.

I never buy books, because I can never find anything for myself in a bookstore. They are so poorly stocked! Only one shelf of books in foreign languages​​? Really? For some time, most of the books that I managed to buy was in English. I always thought it would help me to develop the language, because I feel that my progress in that field stopped a long time ago, but now slowly cease to do so, going back to my native Polish, mainly because the importance of the plots I deal with is hard to grasp not knowing half the words. I hate PDFs though! I own an iPad mini and sometimes it's definitely more comfortable to just "wave" my finger like a wand, turning pages, but guess what, there is completely no magic in that. I love books in their original form, with pages so sharp that they're cutting fingers and the wonderful, irreplaceable smell!

(favourite reading spot in my garden)

Spend your money on the things money can buy. Spend your time on the things money can't buy. I bought a new Helios lens and then I purchased a Praktica MTL3 body. I cannot wait for those to arrive and I hope my new babies will get along together.

Just a quick selection of my favourite Haruki Murakami quotes;

▲ “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
▲ “If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life. Even if you can't get together with that person.” 1Q84
▲ “As time goes on, you'll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn't, doesn't. Time solves most things. And what time can't solve, you have to solve yourself.” Dance Dance Dance
▲ “Find me now. Before someone else does.” 1Q84

▲ “And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we'd be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.” Sputnik Sweetheart
▲ “Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.” Kafka on the Shore
▲ “Have you ever had that feeling—that you’d like to go to a whole different place and become a whole different self?” The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
▲ “A person learns how to love himself through the simple acts of loving and being loved by someone else.” 1Q84

▲ “The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you're supposed to go up and down when you're supposed to go down. When you're supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you're supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there's no flow, stay still. If you resist the flow, everything dries up. If everything dries up, the world is darkness.” The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
▲ “Maybe she thought the garbage and rocks in your head were interesting. But finally, garbage is garbage and rocks are rocks.” The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
▲ “Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago. Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.” South of the Border, West of the Sun


▲ “Whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting.” Kafka on the Shore

20.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me -- Here I am, oldest I've ever been and the youngest I will ever be. What a deep thought, lol. At the age of 20, I'm studying dentistry, I've had a dozen of blogs, a kind of successful tumblr blog with few thousands of followers, but I am still a hell of a mess maker! Tumblr taught me that it's okay to be awkward, it's alright to spend your Saturday nights in, watching silly movies of your preference (horrors in my case, always horrors) and it's more than acceptable if the list of your previous boyfriends is short or maybe even non-existent. I've developed 11 films -- but never yet got 36 out of 36 pictures on them. If I were to form one simple costant in my life, it would the fact that pictures of me in the mirror or captures of coffee I make myself, spending way to much time on decoration of what I'm about to drink, NEVER turn out alright on film. Duh. Sadly, I gave up on my vidding career and possible Hollywood fame. I have done some very stupid things, trusted people I shouldn't have, fucked up my relationship with parents, ruined a few friendships as well. It puts me almost at the start of year two, at uni, over 200 kms away from my hometown. During those 20 years I got addicted to caffeine and bad reality shows (mostly Hardcore Pawn and some stupid Polish ones, we all know what I'm talking about). I proved a lot to myself over that time. Overcome some fears along the way. I don't intend to give my character any particular depth. I am a regular nerd, with no social life, several passions and unstoppable will to pursue dreams and make changes. 

Most of the time, I have been lost. Wandering around, stumbling upon things that might have or mightn't have blossomed into something more. I found myself in Japanese literature, especially in Murakami's magical realism. Over the years, I have been a little detective with Christie, a young woman from the suburbs of Boston with Plath, May Kasahara of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle & Lisa Rowe, an interrupted sociopath. I have tried writing myself, one shot fics I'd call them, just for kicks of cheering me up if I'm ever down and in need of taking my mind off things. I was a happy child, naively thinking I had a perfect family like the ones you'd see in Sunday movies on telly. I never made any strong relationships with people. Thoughts of primary school bring on a vague feeling of being rejected by others, misunderstood, vague enough to be shaken after a moment, when I remember all the cool things I was a part of back then. I'm still pretty sure I was not the widely liked or appreciated kid. Junior high was the initial period of time when I consciously reached out to someone and got my heart broken for the very first time. That sort of went on and off for next 10 years. In high school I told myself that it's no use in having any regrets at all, especially if I don't do anything wrong -- I was always a sensible person and although some of my actions were plain stupid (I don't regret them, but I can fully agree that I must have been a dumbass back then), but to be quite honest, some will make a hell of a story in the future.

I've met some incredible people during those 20 years. It's hard for me to even tell how long I've known Marret, a friend of mine for the Netherlands with whom I first started talking....via youtube. Remember how I mentioned my vidding career earlier in that post? Yeah, exactly. I'm pretty certain she's been in my life the longest (out of the people I can call my friends right now) -- when we meet one day, I swear it will be hard for me to even stop taking pictures of her pretty face! Most of the time, friendships like ours, the over distance ones, don't actually last long. Maybe, in my case it was not actually that hard, but in fact easier. You can ask some of my regular real life best friends (who you will be hearing about A LOT in the future, so I'm not going to dwell on that now, love you babes!), being friends with me is kind of tough. I'm tough. Anything that involves any feelings and me is tough. So I often run away. And if I do, then for awhile there is no turning back for me. I often ask myself why some people actually bother to reach out to me after I fail at reaching out to them, again and again. "My ears hear what others cannot hear. Small faraway things people cannot normally see are visible to me. These senses are the fruit of a lifetime of longing, longing to be rescued, to be completed. Just as the skirt needs the wind to billow, I'm not formed by things that are of myself alone. I wear my father's belt tied around my mother's blouse, and shoes which are from my uncle. This is me. Just as a flower does not choose its color, we are not responsible for what we have come to be. Only once you realize this do you become free, and to become adult is to become free."

I've heard I was different. Too often do I wonder, wouldn't it be easier if people knew how to be completely honest with each other? I'm done with being treated like someone whose reaction you should fear. Being human, knowing how to forgive and forget, I am genuinely sad when someone takes it for granted. Sometimes I feel like I have lost to much due to the fact that people are so diffucult to figure out. My disguise is usually so thin you could see right through it, at least I think so, never had I thought that it's rather hard for anyone to get inside my head. One thing that you should know about me is that I hate deception, I hate foolishness, but I love sushi. Oh well, what an awkward way to finish. 

If you're still reading then well, congratulations, you've made it till the end! Just to sum up everything (pretty much everything I guess) I'd say only that I'd rather take pictures than pose for them. I'd rather drink Martini bianco than rosato -- and I'd rather love people than hate them. Keep that in mind, please. May you have amazing vacay! Namasté!

time is hard to kill since I met you.

This is one of those days...when all the people I meet make me pissed off. Those who make the parking lot out of the pavement I'm walking on, or those who can not even scan the negative, despite working in a camera store. And finally, when a black cat crosses my path, there is nothing else to do but to laugh. I love black cats. A black cat reminds me of some cool moments in my life. The one which is notoriously fed by my neighbours is not even properly black though. No bad luck for me this time, I guess. 

Coming back to a typical lomo topic, actually, I'm not very happy with Lomography 800 iso film. The pictures are grainy and it's not like it takes less light to get good results... I would like to try something new, I have an eye on Kodak Ektar and I think next time I'll give it a try. What are your favourite films? I think you already know what kind of photography I'm into. Would be lovely if you wanted to share your favourites with me under that post! I began a search for a new lens for my beloved Zenit. The one I have now is MC Zenitar-M2s 2/50, which I bought with the camera. I started a new topic at Flickr's Russian Cameras group, which helped me the last time (THANK YOU GUYS!) so I'm just going to wait till someone more experienced replies. 

I took A to my favourite place ever - a really peaceful spot close to where I live - where you can basically reach the middle of the lake with the water level still below your waist. It's perfect for photoshooting, admiring and silly jumps!

My twisted logic tells me that spending yesterday evening in contemplation of the last year, was a very very bad idea. These thoughts come and go more often lately, and are not about just last year, but my whole life. Soon I will turn twenty, and if I ever get lucky, then 25% of my life will be over next Monday. Last 7 priceless days as a teenager. Twenty years of being L’esprit de l’escalier gone just like that?

decaf.

1 day 6 hours and 14 minutes since my last caffeine dose. Damn, giving up is tough! Never again will I say that I am free from any addictions. Take today, for instance. Dental office. My hands are all shaking, and I barely manage to keep my eyes open while standing behind the dentist with whom I do my summer practice. I'm praying in my mind that the patient does not notice. He doesn't -- thank God, I'm getting through this awful day without stabbing anyone in the eye with the suction tube.

Filling plastic cups with water, preparing polycarboxylate cement and setting up patient bibs, made ​​me feel very, very special today. At least it was not the next day of standing still and smiling nervously to patients. Imagine there's a woman sitting on the dental chair with some strange equipment in her mouth while having a whitening treatment and you have to act like she doesn't look absolutely hilarious. That's a torture! But to hear from another one that she would like the crowns over the crown-root inlays in her molars to be all shaped like incisors, priceless.

Not a big fan of heterodontism, huh? Our customer might be our king but not to such extend, jeez.

Hello new me, caffeine free.

xx

I know the world is crazy. I know love is not always the way it’s meant to be. I know sometimes, things hurt. But I also know that we’ll get through this. That our hearts will arrive on the other side, in one piece. That everything is beautiful if we give it the chance to be.

another story I can’t tell anymore

Happy July 10th, everyone! The day that, a year ago, I decided to fuck up my morals completely and entirely. 

I overthink stuff. Why? Because I have too much time on my hands. Recently I started to really question my social skills, as in making friends but mostly - keeping the friendships alive. I am undoubtedly awful at this. Somehow every closer relationship I had in the past turned to colloquial - "shit". I began wondering why that might be. No clear answer to that. Excluding all the outer factors, like people literally dumping me or something comparable, it's always been me. Me, refusing to take up calls, Me, not writing back. Me, claiming I feel beleaguered. At some point, I just...get bored, and it's easier to just call it quits than to try to make it work.

I wish I was firmly anchored in present-day life, but I'm not. It's so easy to just forget yourself, dwell upon the past or hopelessly dream about the future. I've read somewhere that it's more important to click with people than to click the shutter. (Now that I google'd it, Eisenstaedt said it.) But frankly, I do not care about clicking with people anymore. It's funny how everything comes back, even after just a glimpse. Even after a year. Not always in the melancholic manner, more of a "Look, you were here some time ago, now you're here again and you're completely different."

Yes, I finally watched Bridget Jones' Diary. Yes, I got drunk while doing so. Bridget fucking Jones. Walking awkward perfection. I don't know how I went through life not knowing exactly what this movie is about. Hugh Grant must be the only blue-eyed guy I fancy. But I would still go for Darcy. Oh Colin. Old habits die hard I guess. I am indeed tired of going for the same type all of the time. Sometimes it feels practically like going for the same guy over and over again and yet making the same bloody mistakes. In 19 days I'm going to turn 20. It's about time I sort out my priorities.

"I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are."

Resolution #1: will find a nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts.

view on the old town hall from below the arcades next to my old workplace.

I just love it when I find myself strolling the streets and just taking pictures. Sometimes, out of pure, senseless ignorance, I find myself hating that place. The other times, I just stop and stare at how beautiful everything is. Art is all about contradictions and polar opposites, I think. When it comes to photographing the city in the sun, Lomography 400 is my fave! I actually bought 800 this time, I'm going to try it out in Gdansk this weekend since I'm taking some time off to chill out and party my brains out.

I talked to my best friend about it, we agreed that ever since we came back here for vacay, we realized the place itself changed. Maybe it's the fact that everyone was away at the Opener Festival and you could walk down the main street not meeting anyone you know but the city felt emptied, felt like it wasn't ours anymore. 

some mad hope.

I'm back in my hometown, which gives me a new healthier perspective. I still somehow feel like I'm stuck. I dream of faraway places, long journeys, fascinating architecture and people who awake the best in you and give you a new lease on life. I need that. I wouldn't normally classify myself as a loner -- maybe that is the issue. I'm looking for somebody who will understand without additional explaining. It's important to know someone who lights the fire inside of you. My soul's a traveler, never-resting, rolling, rushing on. So far it's been impossible to find anyone who can keep up a pace or outrun me. Going beyond is my goal for next year. Okay, okay, I'll stop before this post becomes some silly pointless speech.

I sort of forgot about how I had wanted it all to unfold. Keeping my eyes on the prize, not getting distracted, getting what I'd always wanted. A scholarship in the UK. A chance at a life I'd dreamt for myself. I don't intend to whine about how miserable my life is, because I certainly don't see it that way.  I found a new way to express myself and I couldn't be happier about that. That. I don't mean I'm happy about every single fact about my life, but I feel like I have the power to change it. Sooner or later. Change. If not the thing that brings me down then maybe just my attitude towards it.

The White Pepper sent me their magazine (oh so kind of them, thank you!) which I will shoot for you as soon as I get a proper film that will handle the lighting conditions I'm forced to work under. WHICH REMINDS ME. I am still pretty into fashion, just like I was a year ago when I made my first fashion blog. I certainly love what The White Pepper has to offer - really edgy clothes! - I particularly adore their classy, feminine dresses with that summer feel in them. I am such a not girly girl but when I see things like that, I go all goo goo ga ga and curse the fact that my wallet cannot possibly afford a piece.

My sister and her fiance visitied me last week in Białystok, so I wouldn't be myself if I wouldn't have shown them my favourite spot in the city. The wedding is happening next summer, on July 7th, and damn me, but I have no dress nor a guy to accompany me yet. That might pose a problem, but somehow I worry about the dress more. My sis has some serious requirements when it comes to that and so far our fashion tastes don't actually click. It's so nice to know she will be in good hands once she gets married. I must tell you, I love the guy! He's the best she could have stumbled upon. I know they will be happy together, I just know it.