all the summer dillemas

When summer vacay hits in and you have so much time on your hands. What do you do to make the constant dillemas stop flowing your way? So much time to think about stuff is not so good. This year, unfortunately, I spend my summer at home, where the weather is very unpredictable. We get a lot of rain and rare truly summery days. I found the most comfortable place ever to pull through it, my bed. It's been so long since I wrote anything. It must be because I have this weird thing about not being able to reach perfection. Once I realize I cannot reach perfection, my motivation drops. This is very unhealthy to live such a life.

hello back!

Lately I do feel this weird blockade that I cannot find my way to pass while expressing my feelings. Actually, recently, I don't have power or will to express myself at all. This is why I didn't write much, because every time that I tried, was a failure. Maybe the crisis that I am facing it's happening because I feel like adulthood is just around the corner? And I am nowhere near settled. I focused more on my businesses, marketing my photography work. And it paid off :) Maybe it's just like any other morning, that caffeine will make me go eventually. And the mood swings, they will go away too. Of course I have so many photos to show you. Maybe I wasn't shooting too often, but since I've been gone, I completed a couple of rolls. Switched back to my beloved Helios lens. Hello again, bokeh times!

If we were on a coffee date I

Thanks to Allie, I got introduced to this fun linkup by Heartnatured, which is a perfect way for me to share my thoughts over a cup of virtual coffee, are you ready? That's a first for me!

If we were on a coffee date, I would tell you how much I am relieved to finally have some time off after this semester is officially over for me. That perhaps the cold, that I currently have, found me just in the right time, when I spend days under my blanket, waiting until the sleep falls on me. I hate colds. My sinuses hate colds. They somehow strip me off of every desire that I have in my mind.

I would tell you that in January I have done some work as a Local Exchange Officer of International Association of Dentals Students, which got me very interested in doing some travelling this next summer myself. I am currently looking into my options of exchange to Spain, if the language doesn't get in the way. I would love to live in Madrid or Barcelona for a few weeks. I feel like that would give my life and thinking some perspective. And certainly, this blog and my camera would love it too. This is crucial, as I always try to please those two as much as I want to please myself. Then I'd take another sip off our delicious caffeine treat and continue my stories.

No place for beginners or sensitive hearts

The moment I realized that I started to listen to music that my parents used to listen to in our home was somehow significant. I would now spend my evenings listening to Sade & Simply Red, and it was as if I could feel my body getting old. I would dream of somebody holding me while those songs play in the background. I would beg the world to go back to how I was before I felt love, because feeling it for the first time was the feeling worth waiting for. Sometimes I feel so blessed that I have a future ahead of me. That there will be people who become my friends, there will be feelings, now I know that for sure. We're spinning, spinning madly on. We're made to repeat our mistakes, we're meant to live, bleed, get back on our feet. I see a proof for that in every day that I experience. I'm not sure why today I am in such an emotional mood to write such things. I don't feel the negativity, I only feel hope. 

it's complicated

It's complicated. This is how I would describe my life at this point. I feel so utterly tangled up in things, I no longer know where I am headed. Although from time to time, I can picture myself in that cosy apartment, with the Nutcracker score playing in the background. Light, big interiors that over the years I would have filled with my things and my loving. Smell of baked apple pie. A fluffy cat sleeping on my knees. But once again, I bet if I ever have a cat, it will be mean and it will end up hating me. And I will call it weird names like Mr Jinggles or something connected with food or worse, dentistry, as I originally wanted. The Nutcracker and other of Tchaikovsy's works will always remind me of my childhood years. The happy and clueless times. 

my short goodbye to 2015

Apart from the very big title I feel like I don't have that much to say about 2015. I was nothing close to what I had imagined myself to be this year and for that I am so sorry. I was supposed to write more, love sufficiently, be a great friend. Somehow I fell down from the pedestal and became a person who did none of the above. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to make myself the best I could be. But once it started to pile up lying to myself and acting not the way I felt like I should, it became too much. I took a huge break from blogging. I had stuff to focus on. I've gone through a breakup that still leaves me hanging, to be quite honest. I have so much on my plate right now, but at times I forget about that and smile at life anyway. Well again, that's life, it happens, right? I want to give you one advice though. Don't ever imagine what you don't want to become, because life might give you just that. Maybe with slightly different appearance, finishing touches. But you might end up being so close to what you've disliked. Just don't give yourself that. Spare it, honestly. Now on the positive side...

Christmas illuminations of Warsaw

 

Merry Christmas everyone!!!
Every time I try to sit down and write something I can feel the way I am shutting down. Shrinking. Words just don't want to flow even though my life has been a change after change the last month. I decided to keep you out of it, because I was never sure what another day may bring. You might've followed my Instagram or Twitter but there I did not share much too. Now I am a free human being, making plans that might keep me going for the next months. I was always about plans and feelings. I have always made many stupid mistakes. Or putting it differently, I always made stupid decisions. They are not all mistakes I believe. I made myself a promise once - I want and I'll try to live my life to the fullest and trust my gut. It made me hurt sometimes to do so, was not easy to follow the rules I created for myself. But on the other hand, it brought me experience and memories to never ever let go of. It seems like a fair equation to me.

places hidden away

I never knew such places existed. Or perhaps I hoped they did, yet there were hidden away from me, unreachable. Times when you wake up and you feel so incredibly free, and you could sit reading a book, undisturbed for hours. It is a truly glorious feeling to experience a state like that. I was lucky to get invited to stay at that house for a few days to lay back and relax. I was reading Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn at the time. We were there with two Welsh terriers (& one turtle!!!) that completely stole my heart, being so drawn to humans and wanting to spend every minute of the day with them.

nameless cat

Nameless cats are perhaps my favourite. Sometimes I wish I was more like them. Responding to nothing and no one. Just so free and careless, not worrying about anything. There is always a nameless cat in Murakami's books, there was a nameless cat in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Looks like they are somehow iconic characters. 

“Holding this soft, small living creature in my lap this way, though, and seeing how it slept with complete trust in me, I felt a warm rush in my chest. I put my hand on the cat's chest and felt his heart beating. The pulse was faint and fast, but his heart, like mine, was ticking off the time allotted to his small body with all the restless earnestness of my own.” ― Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle 

I had always failed at capturing animals. I was never fast enough. My yorkie loves to move way too much. The cat just gazed at me when I kneeled down beside him and focused my lens. He gazed with those beautiful light eyes. Maybe it was the heat of that day that made him so lazy, he just did not want to move away from me. I could see that he wanted to play, but I felt like so did his claws. And those sharp little knife-like teeth.

There will be a new post in two or three days when I put together some description of the flea market that we visited when I was leaving Bialystok for summer vacation. I shot with Kodak Ultramax 400, so there will be some gorgeous tones here and there. Stay tuned! And since I've gone back to regular blogging now, I would love to have you apply for the free banner swaps that I offer! Let's grow our blogs together! You can click here if you are interested! :)

shooting people

Some time ago, I told you I was going to try to become more of a 'portrait-shooter' in future. As much as uncomfortable it makes me at the moment, when I still worry that I will be facing other person's expectations, I am trying to make it all happen. So here I am today, ready to show you a few photographs taken this week with my friend - Agata, of course in the Palace gardens. I don't know who was more stressed, Agata or myself, but somehow we managed to take a couple of nice shots. I especially love the first one. With a fairly clean frame, good light and thought behind it. With film, it is always scary, because you might not take any good shots, you let the model go, and you might just be left with nothing. I am still holding onto film though. Maybe I am scared of being mediocre. Because honestly, film is what makes it so special in my opinion. I wish I knew more about rules of composition, about how to make it even more unique. I might have learnt the ropes, but there is so much of development that can be done in this field. I am scared of bad opinions and critique, therefore photography stays as a hobby and a hobby only. It has made me realize, I have been shooting film for two years already! No interest had ever lasted that long!

first time with kodak portra

Looks like I might have caught a cold from my cold,  f r e e z i n g  heart. No matter how silly it sounds, it might just be the case. Or it's just the mix of hormones in my cardiovascular system that makes me continuosly push you away from me. I want us to pull through. To arrive ashore in one piece. This is what I am hoping for these days. This is the wish that I have.

Having my photographs displayed some place public was an incredible experience. It happened at the night of museums in the Branicki Palace, where our university's photography club had its exbihibtion. Since one of the members is studying dentistry with me, he asked whether I would like to have some of my photos displayed. I said yes! The picking process was pretty long and almost gave me a headache. It was all worth it though! The minute we stepped inside the Palace and I saw actual human beings lurking around the exhibition and looking at my works - a truly beautiful feeling entered my heart and left me pumped up for another week or so! 

Moments like these, when my photography "goes alive", I find myself even more motivated and happy. 

Today I want to show you some snaps using Kodak Portra 400. This is a so-called professional film, which is also more expensive than what I usually use. I was supposed to keep it for portraits, but since I did not manage to find time for a pre-planned shooting session, I just shot the roll during my normal activities. I am very satisfied with the results and the tones, warm and up-lifting. Exactly what I was looking for :)

positive varsovie vibes

I am so so sorry for leaving you with no decent posts for so long! May & June will hopefully be the last months of my year three, so once the summer comes I will be here for good. Soon (in June) this blog will turn two years old, which makes me proud and excited to think what else will come my way. Photography has become so important, I don't want to ever let go of it! Today I am taking you with my photographs to sunny Warsaw, where I spent last May break, having been asked by my new flatmate to visit her for a few days. Beware, this post is a photo masterpost! I decided to show you most of the shots I took on that weekend. Featuring also pictures from the gorgoues Wilanów palace-gardens complex, leaving out only the ones took with Kodak Portra 400, since it was my first time with that film and I think it deserves a separate post about its performance and my opinion :) So read more, enjoy! Also, I have finally hit the 1k mark on Instagram, thank you everyone for following me and if you want to do so - check @cadds

few snaps for a better saturday

Today I feel like a worn out shoe. Yesterday I came back from Warsaw, where I spent two days of my spring break. I took a lot of photographs, that you will see next week. I met some amazing and inspiring people, even a Polish super model which I adore, a meeting that left me shaking from excitement. I could go on and on about that trip and how amazing I felt photographing that city and new places I had never explored before, but there will surely be time for that in the next post. Lately, I have been living in my fake empire, with some events that made me very stressed and unhappy. I regret nothing. I just want to go on living, not standing in anyone's way, but I refuse, I really refuse to be blamed for all of it. Do you ever feel like you are a good person, but that it has its end?

I want to keep going even though it gets tough. I admire people with skills, people who are deeply in love with what they do. I love seeing how their eyes lighten up, when they are talking about things they love. And when they say that they hope they would go on doing something forever. I never felt such love towards anything. No matter how bad it sounds, at least I don't feel like I have missed any chances. 

Coffee and little sweet treats are what I love, truly.
I bought myself new blue sneakers, which turned out to be super comfortable and perfect for the strolls we are taking nowadays, somehow bored with our old routes.

some fun with monochrome

Usually color is what attracts me. When it all gets limited to shades of gray, I was never fully satisfied with my photographs. I tried monochrome films a few times, always left with a little bittersweet taste in my mouth. Dissatisfaction? Regret? I would never see myself as a black & white 'photographer'. The apostrophe because I am just a girl taking pictures, seriously, I can never call myself a photograph. Somehow I feel it doesn't fit. So my journey with monochrome was periodical and nothing too exciting. I tried Ilford, which was supposed to blow my mind, well it didn't. I still looked for the perfect film, which would make me not regret losing colors of the world. I have to say Kodak T-max 400 finally did the job, and I can say I found 'the one'. This post is for you to see how I handled that roll. Shot over some big amount of time, carrying the memories from Tykocin and Bialystok, both horizontal and vertical. With an external lamp and with no flash at all. Lenses 50mm and 135mm. You have a real variety of what I love shooting, actually. 

I think I am ready to start photographing people other than the closest ones. My flatmate has been a very patient and lovely model. Fortunately the weather has been very beautiful recently, I want to give nature some extra days to blossom and fill the world with more colors and life, and then we will be off for some shooting outdoors. 135mm is a joy to use, but I am already after 28mm or 35mm, I guess I cannot stop for now! 

back and forth

I am a little ticking bomb. tick-tock Feeling like I could crush us all down anytime soon. Is it easy to be this way? No. It's the toughest thing ever to be looking into your eyes and knowing that for the best you should just let me go already. Fortunately or the contrary, someone gave me the body of selfishness and the heart of weak human material. I cannot stop and won't stop. I feel the destruction coming my way, but I'd rather burn myself down than change the locks that separate me from sanity. There are things that I want to strongly believe into. That I'm worth what I'm getting. And I am not talking about the bits of sadness or unclarity. I want to believe that finally, after all this time, the world is letting me off the leash. That it's not some Cinderella stuff that will end before I manage to blink twice. That it was all given to me, not to be taken away, but to stay.

morning blues

Every minute in the morning is like a godsend. I always feel incredibly lucky if I wake up earlier than I should have and I realize I have a blessing of another twenty or so minutes in my bed. Feeling the warmth, the calm, the kindness of the sheets against my skin. But then the reality happens and we all have to get up sometime. I love sleeping, I love sleeping next to you and the way you fight the monsters under my new bed, which continuously steal my socks when you're not here.

Almost half of March and my soul is already rushing towards vacation planning. I'm a silly little girl, always wanting to jump onto that one plane that will take me far away to places full of inspiration and life. I always come back to the thoughts of Prague and the photos I took there, and how happy they made me afterwards. I want to feel those feelings again.

joy

If somebody told me, life was boring, I certainly would not agree. I might have my certain routines, I might be surrounded by the same people most of the time, but life is like a good restaurant, changes its menu, so the clients want more. Life has been serving me with all kinds of good and bad experiences. I have fallen apart with some people, fret about the future once again, been surprised finally learning the truth. I have a lot on my plate right now. I am also planning new photography projects, which "just" require new lens, new film and probably a slightly new outlook on photography, because I plan on making it all black and white. Oh and it requires models too... One day I might have my own little studio, who knows. I have developed a new roll a few days ago and I definitely have some things to show you, so please keep visiting, even though I am terrible at writing with consequence. 

little zoo trips

Time to do spontaneous things. To sometimes get up in the late morning, notice beautiful sun outside and go for a walk in the park. Now that we live in the city centre, we got to walk the prettiest lanes and even visited the zoo on our Sunday noon walk. There was also a running marathon held in the park at that time. The sky was clear blue, there was some chill in the air, as we walked and photographed. It's going to be a pretty long post and full of deer, you have been warned! :) Also, before I forget, I set up a facebook page for my blog, so you can guys be updated this way, "like" this way! 

making the move

The move finally took place and it left me happier than I had expected. Finally the things that we worked on for the last month or so were there to occur in real life. I feel so bad for leaving you with no news nor new photographs for so long! :) I have been secretly shooting a new roll of film, stocking myself up for the weeks to come, and organising my new space with items, fresh flowers and positive energy and love and motivation to keep moving forward.

I also started craving for a new camera, not sure whether I will give in or not... I am more than falling for tulips this year. They are still somehow weak, as the cold makes them shrink and it takes few hours in my room for them to open up and show their beauty. I love having fresh flowers on my desk. Desk big enough to stock everything I need. Few things still need to be taken care of, and let me assure you, there will be loads of picture taking in the process. It's the time guys! New making it cosy posts are coming. 

Having to find myself in that new room, I tried to do it by decorating it all myself. One of my favourite new items would be those tree bookends, that hold my books steady and in a beautiful way. They were manufactured in Ukraine by Design Atelier ARTICLE, whom I might be helping with their new online store (so so exciting!). They have dozens of choices when it comes to bookends, but I felt like something delicate like those trees would be the best pick for my new white and blue room. This fox model was the close second choice though.

the forest & us

It was the second day of Christmas that snow finally appeared in my city. It was a very beautiful day, truly! We took a walk in the forest, the way I always wanted. I felt as if forest & I could for once be in unison. I always missed out on their winter walks, when they were engaged not yet married, and now I realize how much I had missed back there. Our city's beach had been renovated earlier that year, and it looked beautifully, covered with a thin layer of snow. It was just a few degrees below zero, yet my cheeks already experienced the soft kisses of frost. Just a few degrees and I was forced to warm my Canon with my breath, so it could capture the beauty of the moment. At some point I thought it died on me completely! What a terror! I've grown to feel that family time is important. And I cherish time with my sister like never before. She is a great model, although she always insists to photograph her without showing her face. She clearly thinks this is how you take photographs nowadays. Huge congrats to Betsy and Natalie, each of them got engaged during Christmas, how adorable! I am so excited for both of you and your hubbies-to-be. Also, today is the last day to grab the -60% promotion on ALL ads with code "December60". See you soon in 2015! :)