hello back!

Lately I do feel this weird blockade that I cannot find my way to pass while expressing my feelings. Actually, recently, I don't have power or will to express myself at all. This is why I didn't write much, because every time that I tried, was a failure. Maybe the crisis that I am facing it's happening because I feel like adulthood is just around the corner? And I am nowhere near settled. I focused more on my businesses, marketing my photography work. And it paid off :) Maybe it's just like any other morning, that caffeine will make me go eventually. And the mood swings, they will go away too. Of course I have so many photos to show you. Maybe I wasn't shooting too often, but since I've been gone, I completed a couple of rolls. Switched back to my beloved Helios lens. Hello again, bokeh times!

a cafe back home

There is a coffeehouse back home, that I have began to love during the last year. It is a peaceful spot in the middle of my hometown's old town. So either it's a family noon coffee and cake or a meet up with friends, I am always secretly wanting to pick SiSi. Their interior is fabulously designed, with each detail worth capturing. It is also not too big, but pretty cosy. Two weeks ago, I made a brief trip back home to meet family and friends. Studying away from each other makes it tough for the friendships to stay alive, that's for sure. And it makes you extremely homesick when there is no one by your side. One more week of summer practice in a hospital and after my 21st birthday I am coming back home for two weeks before the Budapest trip. It will be only about 10 days, but after that it's going to be 1,5 months. That scares me. Very, very much. The world is dissolving all around me. Once again, time running through my fingers. I can save a moment by taking pictures, but life goes on. 

A couple of truths before a new week begins.

• I miss you, I miss your smile and the little kisses you leave on my body. I miss your smell, your breath, the purring, the tenderness. 
• I enjoy running this blog very much, probably more than a dentistry student should love analog photography and sharing her ramblings. 
• I am so excited to be flying by plane again. I have done it only a few times, which is probably embarrassing to share, since I am turning 21, but whatever. 
• I dream of travelling to places. And I believe I could make living in Canada or Australia my lifetime goal.

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T u d o r c o l o r   X L X  2 0 0

K o d a k  G o l d  2 0 0

taste and decency.

You started to question my taste, just as I began to question my decency. And just like that we went through the last two weeks -- to the point when it was funny to hear someone say that I must have missed you. Oh the clueless. Thank you for making my comeback more bearable, and nice, pretty nice, I must admit.

I'd say the idea of the rest of this week seems just too pleasant. Not so long ago I was in Gdansk, saying hi to 2014, and now I'm coming back there. Gdansk PTSS conference is my second conference (check out pictures from the Warsaw conference in November of last year), yet the first to happen in the new year, therefore, I suppose, it still has a lot to live up to. No pressure though! Just a 7 hours long train ride, it's not like I expect fireworks. I do, actually. I do.

Every time I leave this city, is like the stable foundation, on which it exists in my mind, collapses. This is why it is so abstract to come back here and live my life just as I did before. Even though I have my place, my bed, lots of personal items scattered around our apartment, each time I come back, it is like I was building something from scratch.

Funny thing, my life. It constantly makes me question what is real and what is not. In about two thirds of cases, I never actually find out. It scares me how easy is to make up something in your mind, fall for an idea, a concept. It is all fun and games until someone gets hurt, which is often the case. I wish my walls would tumble down, and I didn't shut myself out every time an opportunity comes along. But what would life be without trying? Without experiencing moments of joy, without smiling to yourself like a mad person from time to time? Just a dull, empty space. I don't know about you, but it warms up my heart to be able to share my reality with someone. Moments don't last, but life gives us nothing but moments, so don't we rather take active part and enjoy ourselves while we're at it than just let them go too quickly? I often lose my logical outlook on life, which, later on, I regret terribly. Please, just make everything that happens to you count, will you?

the heat.

Warmian people suffer from heat like any other. The only difference is, when the heat is too much, we're not dying in bathtubes, we're going swimming. Quite frankly, most of the time I'm even too lazy to leave home, frappes are somehow enough to cool me down, but from time to time, even I drop everything and go to the beach with some friends. I feel like they are not exactly cool with me taking pictures all of the time. As I'm writing this, they are arguing over who looks uglier in a facebook conference window. And they only saw a sneak peek of what's coming. 

No picture will ever truly capture the beauty of a moment, I'm slowly learning that fact. I try and try though. And sometimes it feels as if I "almost" got it right. Taking pictures with such a vintage looking and incredibly loud camera often makes me stand out. Let me just tell you, there is nothing I hate more than drawing attention to myself when it's absolutely not needed. When my friends want to take my Zenit and take some shots of me, my reply is always the same -- this is not how it works. I am wielding the lens. I think I'm content I was born in a beautiful place like this. Sometimes I just wish my city wasn't such a rathole, but apparently that's the price one must pay to experience all the other pros :) I would love to be able to spend my time by the lake in some more creative ways. Kitesurfing, perhaps?

Kodak Gold let me down once again, completely underexposing a bunch of photos I wanted to show you guys, today. (btw it's Monday again!) Fortunately it wasn't anything captured on the spur of the moment and I managed to recreate everything using a different film and a different camera today. The ready post is waiting in my drafts as I'll be getting those developed pretty soon. I actually finished my first Agfa Vista Plus roll, which makes me truly excited because all of you seemed to enjoy taking pictures with that one. I've been shooting with my new Praktica the past few days and although I am still shooting with MC Zenitar lens, I have a good feeling about this one. The working light meter really changes the experience! Although now it takes me about two times what I used to need to actually take a picture, I hope that this means the end of the overexposed / underexposed days of my lomo adventure.

I have also another post coming up, this one will be about introversion (as it's a crucial part of my personality and some people still don't really get it) and  my opinion on the "wholeness" concept. Of course all of these will be accompanied by pictures. I am also happy to announce that after a long discussion, my uni friends and I decided to spend a few days in Prague this September. If you're having any suggestions of places we should see, or things I should photograph in Prague, drop me a comment or an email. (architecture, food, partying, cultural stuff, gardens and parks, etc. etc.) Speak soon! x

 this is what I'm forced to work with. they're always on their phones no matter where we are. RUDE!

20.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me -- Here I am, oldest I've ever been and the youngest I will ever be. What a deep thought, lol. At the age of 20, I'm studying dentistry, I've had a dozen of blogs, a kind of successful tumblr blog with few thousands of followers, but I am still a hell of a mess maker! Tumblr taught me that it's okay to be awkward, it's alright to spend your Saturday nights in, watching silly movies of your preference (horrors in my case, always horrors) and it's more than acceptable if the list of your previous boyfriends is short or maybe even non-existent. I've developed 11 films -- but never yet got 36 out of 36 pictures on them. If I were to form one simple costant in my life, it would the fact that pictures of me in the mirror or captures of coffee I make myself, spending way to much time on decoration of what I'm about to drink, NEVER turn out alright on film. Duh. Sadly, I gave up on my vidding career and possible Hollywood fame. I have done some very stupid things, trusted people I shouldn't have, fucked up my relationship with parents, ruined a few friendships as well. It puts me almost at the start of year two, at uni, over 200 kms away from my hometown. During those 20 years I got addicted to caffeine and bad reality shows (mostly Hardcore Pawn and some stupid Polish ones, we all know what I'm talking about). I proved a lot to myself over that time. Overcome some fears along the way. I don't intend to give my character any particular depth. I am a regular nerd, with no social life, several passions and unstoppable will to pursue dreams and make changes. 

Most of the time, I have been lost. Wandering around, stumbling upon things that might have or mightn't have blossomed into something more. I found myself in Japanese literature, especially in Murakami's magical realism. Over the years, I have been a little detective with Christie, a young woman from the suburbs of Boston with Plath, May Kasahara of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle & Lisa Rowe, an interrupted sociopath. I have tried writing myself, one shot fics I'd call them, just for kicks of cheering me up if I'm ever down and in need of taking my mind off things. I was a happy child, naively thinking I had a perfect family like the ones you'd see in Sunday movies on telly. I never made any strong relationships with people. Thoughts of primary school bring on a vague feeling of being rejected by others, misunderstood, vague enough to be shaken after a moment, when I remember all the cool things I was a part of back then. I'm still pretty sure I was not the widely liked or appreciated kid. Junior high was the initial period of time when I consciously reached out to someone and got my heart broken for the very first time. That sort of went on and off for next 10 years. In high school I told myself that it's no use in having any regrets at all, especially if I don't do anything wrong -- I was always a sensible person and although some of my actions were plain stupid (I don't regret them, but I can fully agree that I must have been a dumbass back then), but to be quite honest, some will make a hell of a story in the future.

I've met some incredible people during those 20 years. It's hard for me to even tell how long I've known Marret, a friend of mine for the Netherlands with whom I first started talking....via youtube. Remember how I mentioned my vidding career earlier in that post? Yeah, exactly. I'm pretty certain she's been in my life the longest (out of the people I can call my friends right now) -- when we meet one day, I swear it will be hard for me to even stop taking pictures of her pretty face! Most of the time, friendships like ours, the over distance ones, don't actually last long. Maybe, in my case it was not actually that hard, but in fact easier. You can ask some of my regular real life best friends (who you will be hearing about A LOT in the future, so I'm not going to dwell on that now, love you babes!), being friends with me is kind of tough. I'm tough. Anything that involves any feelings and me is tough. So I often run away. And if I do, then for awhile there is no turning back for me. I often ask myself why some people actually bother to reach out to me after I fail at reaching out to them, again and again. "My ears hear what others cannot hear. Small faraway things people cannot normally see are visible to me. These senses are the fruit of a lifetime of longing, longing to be rescued, to be completed. Just as the skirt needs the wind to billow, I'm not formed by things that are of myself alone. I wear my father's belt tied around my mother's blouse, and shoes which are from my uncle. This is me. Just as a flower does not choose its color, we are not responsible for what we have come to be. Only once you realize this do you become free, and to become adult is to become free."

I've heard I was different. Too often do I wonder, wouldn't it be easier if people knew how to be completely honest with each other? I'm done with being treated like someone whose reaction you should fear. Being human, knowing how to forgive and forget, I am genuinely sad when someone takes it for granted. Sometimes I feel like I have lost to much due to the fact that people are so diffucult to figure out. My disguise is usually so thin you could see right through it, at least I think so, never had I thought that it's rather hard for anyone to get inside my head. One thing that you should know about me is that I hate deception, I hate foolishness, but I love sushi. Oh well, what an awkward way to finish. 

If you're still reading then well, congratulations, you've made it till the end! Just to sum up everything (pretty much everything I guess) I'd say only that I'd rather take pictures than pose for them. I'd rather drink Martini bianco than rosato -- and I'd rather love people than hate them. Keep that in mind, please. May you have amazing vacay! Namasté!

alpha

George Bernard Shaw once wrote:

"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

Clearly, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice.

As far as I'm concerned, Shaw was a punk. Cause you know what? Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do, give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you, that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.

This year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for. But in a way, I lost even more.

Yes, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire? That's all you can hope for. This year I wished for love... to immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic, then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world.

Now that I think about it, why do I always find the redeeming qualities in people? Trust and respect should be earned not just assumed. Foolish, foolish me. Meeting new people gained a new scary dimension for me, because how do you know if that person you've just shaken hands with, or found generally cool and kind or even fascinating (screw my general fasciation with people) won't just fuck you over in the end? Those are the days when I come back to the songs of the past, reminding me that I'd been treated worse and that I got through it. Away, away, says hate. 

GOODBYE YEAR ONE.
you will be missed like hell.

guest appearance of my friend's Smena M8 :)

day after.

Procrastination took over, again. If it all goes smoothly I'm finishing this academic year on Thursday and then getting drunk in the evening. For every single time that I managed to get out of my warm morning bath and actually go out to face the people, that major and my inner insecurities. 

My girlfriends & I decided to celebrate the Kupala Night last weekend. It was the first time for me, mostly because we don't really relate to that date in any specific way in the area I live. Now that I moved to a city over 200 kms from my home I get to experience a bunch of craziness I'd never thought I would!

{Kupala Night is celebrated in Ukraine, Belarus, Poland (Mazowsze and Podlasie) and Russia currently on the night of 6/7 July in the Gregorian or New Style calendar, which is 23/24 June in the Julian or Old Style calendar still used by many Orthodox Churches. The celebration relates to the summer solstice when nights are the shortest and includes a number of fascinating Pagan rituals.}

We were supposed to all dress up in white gowns (I wore something totally not appropriate because my wardrobe seriously lacks in simple while dresses [here I am] ) -- make some flower chains and "find" ourselves hubbies.

"On the eve of Ivan Kupala, the girls are weaving wreaths of forest and wild flowers. Midsummer wreath - is not just a decoration, a talisman against evil spirits and evil eye, symbolizing the cycle of natural forces and infinity. In the evening, at sunset, making a wish, a wreath is lowered to the water surface of a lake or river. If he would sail off into the distance - the desire to come true, if after a short time, stick to the shore near the place where it was lowered into the water - the desire is not fulfilled. Stick to the opposite shore - "in the side of your fate," will pop up in the middle of the pond - a year will pass without problems.

By wreath guess and betrothed. Shall put a wreath on the river, watch how he will behave. Sinking a wreath was a bad omen, "Garland drowned - pretty cheated." If the crown comes apart, pulled the chain and broke up into separate colors - so the girl not to get married this year."

So basically we drank some, we smoked some and then we went to the nearest river to be eaten alive by mosquitos. I certainly was. Ouch. We also went to a gig later that night, but that & the whole process of setting the wreaths on the water still needs to be developed since my GP B&W 400 film apparently requires some extra care. (1week+)

If I were to give an opinion on Kodak 200 Gold - well, it definitely needs some solid light. And it doesn't quite handle inside pictures without a strong source of light either. I wanted to try it because Nat took some amazing snaps with it in Tenerife earlier this month. Well, it's not my favourite but the pictures are indeed edgy! That's kind of cool.