dilemma

Fuji Color 200

analog or digital  It bugs me practically every time I develop a new roll, or see Kinfolk mag or find something inspiring in terms of photography. People can do wonders with their cameras, that is one thing I am sure of. Second, with a talent, it seriously doesn't matter whether you pick analog or digital. A good idea is still a good idea. Analog stole my heart with its light depiction. It was something I have never seen before, while regulars (B or even C-class digital devices) lacked depth that I so strongly desired. I still believe analog is a great choice (even though it is seriously a pricey hobby and supposedly it will get more and more expensive with time), but I often wonder where my future lies with photography. Maybe one day I will just switch to convenience of pluging a usb into my laptop to view my little snaps, then something will end but a new chapter of this blog will begin. Digital would be an investment for years to come, and perhaps a method of posting more regularly, not being depended on lightning conditions or not missing this perfect shot, because of taking it only once.

socialite or introvert  I am not the most social person you have met, nor I aspire to be one. Perhaps that's too bad. When you're alone, you can, colloquially speaking, fuck what everybody thinks. Be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. After you've made a decision to share your life with somebody else, that choice no longer seems so obvious. Of course, I am not talking about a complete collisions of personalities, a party lover and the worst type of an introvert, that I shall not try to deal with. But I strongly believe that for some values in life, we should try our best not to be egocentric anymore. I am the worst kind of an egocentric, you know? But I have learnt some lessons by now, and I hope I am on a road that only goes up from now on. I don't feel this need of socializing, but that doesn't mean that because of it, I should act like less of a friend or less of a girlfriend.

brand new space

On one of hot July afternoons I visited my sis in her new flat, where she and her hubby moved in right after their June wedding. She served me delicious frappe and we spent some quality time on her couch, checking the wine etiquetes she got for the wedding and talking about how our lives have been lately.

I picked a Pull and Bear dress because of how hot it was outside and styled my hair in something braid-like. But don't laugh just yet, it was just a fancy way to make sure my long hair doesn't make the heat any worse. With Tudorcolor inside of my Praktica, I took a few snaps of what her living room looks like. It is so cool that she managed to get all these details that she had always wanted and we had always talked about. enjoy :)

Summer has started for good and temperatures are insane. I recently caught myself welcoming my school year habits back into my life. Never had I thought that I would be on energy drinks during the summer. This morning it was inevitable though. I had to get up at 5.45am, because my summer practice has began. It's a M.D. practice on a hematology ward, so far away from my dentistry stuff. I must say it's not very tough and if it wasn't for the early hours, I'd say it's a good experience. We have met some very talkative patients today, so the hours have just passed by so quickly. I have to say I am really enjoying my vacay so far. We're having desserts and cold beer way more often than during the academic year. We are having sleepovers way more often, which I absolutely adore, even if I hate being tickled by you, you monster.

Big news, on August 10th we are going to beautiful Budapest for a couple of days, and this time we are going by a plane. Saves time and actually, money, in that case. I have began stocking up for that trip, but I am still undecided what films to take. By the way, have you ever had problems with your films when going through customs? Is it true that if the film is below 1600iso, it's safe? I'd hate if all of my photographs were fried with that scanning machine they have there. Lots of you travel a lot, thought I'd ask :)

It's so abstract to ever leave this city. The parting time is coming though, but it just feels insane, because I won't last a week without you.

Speak soon! :)

Seriously, people just cannot photograph me in focus.

their june wedding

So it happened, my sis got married. I'm ashamed to say I partied too hard at her wedding and coming back here, to write an exam only three days later was a killer. Worst hours of my life in the last few months. It was the very first wedding that I attended. Same with wedding reception, which my sis organised perfectly to the last bit. But I'm going to show you some details the other time. For now let's focus on the preparation part, which took place in our house. My sister's hubby brought some cultural gems with him. There was an actual band playing outside of my house, in my garden, with about two dozens of people waiting for my sister to go out in her wedding dress. My fam & I were speechless. I was only Snapchating those moments to my closest people, afraid they would not believe my words.

Photographing at her wedding was a really stresful experience. I am not fully content with what I got, because my sis is a big supporter of my try at shooting film. I am so happy she finds it beautiful and insisted that I take my camera to her wedding as well. Fortunately, apart from me, there was a professional photographer and also a camera man. Crazy, but supposedly it's the last wedding she's the star of, so alright, let her have all that.

We all had lovely little pink carnations in our hair. At first, few months ago, she asked me to be her bridesmaid, but with all the obligations I have at the university and knowing that perhaps I will appear in Olsztyn a day before it all begins, I sadly refused since I believed she needed a person who could give her so much more than I could, in terms of dress choosing and all the other stuff I would have been too busy for. The wedding day began at 7am, because we were already booked at the hairdresser's and after that we drove back to our house where the makeup artist awaited. CRAZY. And of course I ended up looking like a doll. Quite what I wanted, but I take part in such events so rarely that perhaps I could overdo for once. 

Everything went completely insane when it was only about an hour till the church ceremony was to start. My mum was so stressed out and of course there had to be at least three tries before my sis ended up in her dress, with another thirty minutes of lacing it up.

About the love part. I did not take the camera to the church with me because I found it way too emotional. Sitting in the second row, I could see my sister's hands shaking. And everyone present could hear how P's voice was breaking down when he spoke the vows. Oh my. 

Well, love makes you go mad. It makes you act cuckoo, say things you don't mean to say. Happiness is wanting what you have and love is fearing you could ever experience your life without this other person. So the only thing that comes to my mind when I think of love is 'I do not, ever, want to live a day without loving you.' Silly as it sounds, I know one day I will be out of love. I will miss it like hell. It's crazy to bare your soul like that in front of another person. It's scary, it's irresponsible and maybe, in some cases, just plain stupid. To love, to praise, to trust. But what I had realised a long time ago was that even if for a day, I just need to hold onto it, because once I lose it, a part of me will be gone as well. And I like myself just a little bit more when I'm with you.

Now that I look at those photos, I realize my mum is one gorgeous lady. I wish I looked more like her. The genes are there, I believe. Maybe it's just some generation phenotype leap, I don't know.

Oh, and I will be 21 exactly in a month's time. God dammit.

taste and decency.

You started to question my taste, just as I began to question my decency. And just like that we went through the last two weeks -- to the point when it was funny to hear someone say that I must have missed you. Oh the clueless. Thank you for making my comeback more bearable, and nice, pretty nice, I must admit.

I'd say the idea of the rest of this week seems just too pleasant. Not so long ago I was in Gdansk, saying hi to 2014, and now I'm coming back there. Gdansk PTSS conference is my second conference (check out pictures from the Warsaw conference in November of last year), yet the first to happen in the new year, therefore, I suppose, it still has a lot to live up to. No pressure though! Just a 7 hours long train ride, it's not like I expect fireworks. I do, actually. I do.

Every time I leave this city, is like the stable foundation, on which it exists in my mind, collapses. This is why it is so abstract to come back here and live my life just as I did before. Even though I have my place, my bed, lots of personal items scattered around our apartment, each time I come back, it is like I was building something from scratch.

Funny thing, my life. It constantly makes me question what is real and what is not. In about two thirds of cases, I never actually find out. It scares me how easy is to make up something in your mind, fall for an idea, a concept. It is all fun and games until someone gets hurt, which is often the case. I wish my walls would tumble down, and I didn't shut myself out every time an opportunity comes along. But what would life be without trying? Without experiencing moments of joy, without smiling to yourself like a mad person from time to time? Just a dull, empty space. I don't know about you, but it warms up my heart to be able to share my reality with someone. Moments don't last, but life gives us nothing but moments, so don't we rather take active part and enjoy ourselves while we're at it than just let them go too quickly? I often lose my logical outlook on life, which, later on, I regret terribly. Please, just make everything that happens to you count, will you?

thirteen going on fourteen

May 2014 be kind and even better than 2013 was! In every possible way. It's not like I only started taking pictures after midnight, when half of the people had fled, and I had no idea how to act with a fisheye in my hand, which was shaking by the way. I'm going to brace myself, get some 400 iso films and be ready for Gdansk on the 10th. And what's most important, I will stay gold. To be quite honest, last year left me wanting more. I found myself counting fireworks, wishing myself as many chocolate bars, dirty messages, and patients as I could count at that point. I also wish myself more luck in multichotomous questions, which may be a pretty nice metaphor for always picking the best alternative, oh and a good person beside me, by the time 2015 comes.

Coming back to 2013 once more, it made me happy, more or less. And it flew by really fast. I was happy to be around people when it ended, even if I actually spent a lot of time locked away. I want to be a better person this year, to myself and to others. I should also drink less, care less and be a reasonable young woman that I am supposed to be. Right, like I will succeed anyway. Rumour has it, we can never change, therefore 2014 is more likely to be messy, crazy, and to add at least two more people into my diary stories. All because integrity and stability are not exactly my piece of cake. :) After '13 I do know more. I'm B RH negative, whiskey with sprite rocks my socks, it is about a person, not their gender, and pain is truly inevitable, yet suffering is optional. Sucks to say, but I'm turning 21 this year, which makes me legal everywhere in the whole world. Scary. Frustrating as well. My world is shrinking, when it's supposed to be expanding rapidly. I really hope you had a blast at your NYE parties wherever you were. Let's just stay positive about those forthcoming 365 days. And take more pictures, they last longer. ♫ 

It would be stupid to make any new year's resolutions. Sure, I could try to gain some kgs, go on a journey of a lifetime, fall in love, blah blah. Life is unpredictable. If you had listed things 2013 brought, back when it only started for me, I would laugh in your face. And I guess it'd had been hard to stop laughing, and in the end I'd just say some snarky comment about you being delusional or just shake my head mindlessly. But those were all my choices, only mine. If it says anything about me, maybe it means that I'm not that predictable after all?

ten random facts, part two

Hi there! Since my previous week was nothing special and I only managed to take some pictures last night (awesome combo of great people, first tea with JJ then some drinking with uni friends), I sort of thought another ten random facts post would be a fit. You can read the first 10 facts about me right here. I'm really excited for the weeks to come, I'm going to Warsaw next weekend, it's going to be my first conference of Polish Association of Dental Students (so happy it's held so close to Bialystok) and even though the week after already looks pretty tragic and so far I have no place to stay at in Warsaw, I'm gladly giving it a go.

Thank you for sticking around. I'll talk to you soon, I promise! Now off to the topic of today's random post...

1. I suppose you know that already, but for those who don't pay any extra attention to my ramblings, I study stomatology (which for you would be called dentistry, I guess). And so far it's fair to say I am enjoying it. I've only just started my second year in October and I am going to treat my first patient on November 27th. How scary. Nah, I'm horrified, really.

2. Sushi taught of me appreciation of raw fish. Salmon tartare is my ultimate favourite thing to eat. It's delicious, simple and (I'm happy to be able to say that about at least one thing in my menu) healthy! Glad I found a sushi lover in my friend Nat, who's always there for me if I want to grab something at Tanoshi, my favourite sushi place in the city.

3. I've always dreamt of a huge map of the world painted on one of my living room's walls, also, filling it with postcards I receive from my friends from all over the world. Such a variety of cultures, languages and experiences always mattered to me. That's why ever since I started my online journey of meeting people, making friends, sending postcards started to appeal more and more to me. Now I'd like to call it my little hobby.

4. I'm not a smoker, I carry it around though. (Going to burn each one of them, one at a time) Like a drunk me said last night (which is actually the dumbest thing I could say, but since I love my drunk needy alter ego...) I only smoke when I want a cigarette, not when the cigarette wants me. Shhh, I'm awesome.

5. I've always wanted to know how to do origami. I gave it a few tries as a child, but since I failed multiple times, I sort of realized maybe it's not just something that I am supposed to know how to do. Being bored last summer, I gave it a go again and guess what happened, I made a perfect origami crane at the first try. I know it's easy, but I do enjoy my little achievements. Another thing from my "101 things to do before you're old and boring" ticked off!

6. B e f o r e  I  d i e  I  w a n t   t o; *Travel, travel, travel. Each time further. Europe at first. And then one day a whole roadtrip in the US, just like in the movies. *Learn a new language. And perfect my English as much as possible without speaking it on daily basis. *Read everything Murakami. Morerover, I'd love to visit Tokio one day and discover it through his books. There is a guide (in Polish even) written to explore Tokio with tips and facts included in his novels. *Have a family, that will make me feel safe, loved and needed. Few kids, few pets. A big modern house and a cosy flat in one of European capitals. *Start being rational about my feelings. *Establish a solid place for myself in the society. *Learn how to form steady and lasting relationships with other people.

7. My Starbucks order is White Chocolate Mocha with whipped cream. And this is not how my name is spelled btw. At the time I actually had a signature hot chocolate, since it was a chocolate day when we were in Prague, so I wanted to celebrate it in a proper way!

8. The Love Tester in the Prague's Museum of Sex showed that I am in fact the wild one. Like I did not know that already, duh.

9. I love Autumn. The warm, colorful kind. As soon as all I can notice is death around me, I start wishing for spring, when it will all bloom again. I'd lie if I said that the late fall didn't somehow appeal to me as well, though. It gets darker, the layer of ashes beneath your feet that once were leaves- thicker. But it's reassuring to know that even the Earth has its down days from time to time.

10. During last days of September, I finally redeemed some vouchers I'd received for my birthday two months earlier. One of them was a beauty salon visit, after which I realized I'd never felt better. The second one gave me an opportunity to buy some books that I'd longed for, Norwegian Wood, Sputnik Sweetheart, Lolita, and a few other Murakami novels. Those books are like Pokemons, seriously. I just gotta catch 'em all. :)