reality of being twenty+

Thursday, 31 July 2014

- t h e  b i r t h d a y  g i r l -

I know I had told you there would be no post for my twenty first birthday, but I had not predicted a new roll would be finished by me around that time. I thought I wouldn't have a cake, no party whatsoever, nothing to show you, my friends. My sister surprised me with a delicious cake with raspberries, wild strawberries (my favourite!) and blueberries, which was bought, not made, but she picked certainly the best she could :)

My life is like a rollercoaster right now. I cry a lot, I feel moody, weird, tangled up, troubled. I often ask myself where the boundary lies, where the turning point is, and whether will I ever be capable of saying 'it's too much, it's over'. For now, I cannot do that. I am physically and mentally not capable and not ready to change anything in my life. Even though I probably know that it would be for the best. I won't deny myself simple pleasures of existence. Sighs, deep breaths, reckless behaviour, falling in love. I just won't, because if I do, then what will be left of me? If you asked me if I was happy now, I would answer "I have never been happier in my whole life."

I wonder, how will I ever be able to differentiate losing myself (as in changing myself to the point where the old me is going, going and gone) from changing due to growing up? Both I fear, but one is inevitable, mostly because my bonds with people are getting tighter. And maybe I am changing for them, so it's a little bit easier to get along with me, so I don't get them disappointed or even furious. Deep down inside, I want someone to get to me, to really get to know me, in the most realistic and romantic way. I want for them to be able to say they know the real me, and I desire not feeling like I'm not enough. I feel shivers down my spine. Will that ever be true? I do not know. I doubt it, because that's my nature. I strongly despise the voice in my head that doubts stuff. But I cannot help it. My life has been like a dream ever since I finished high school. I have been caught up in the most unusual things. It's like there is a magnet between the extraordinary & I. I am no longer your regular girl next door, or maybe I still am, who knows what kind of secrets a regular girl next door keeps in her diary.

And oh my, Tudorcolor, I LOVE YOU.


  1. That cake looks delicious!
    Happy belated birthday, Kasia!
    You are only 21; that means that you are still so young and it's normal to feel like on an emotional rollercoaster at your age. Don't you worry, things will get easier. Live at the fullest!

  2. happy belated birthday dear kasia! cake looks yummy! and enjoy being 21!

  3. Feeling like a rollercoaster is the thing about growing up. It's so much going on. I was sooo lost. Now I look back and things seems so easy, haha. Like Polly said, live life to the fullest, that's the only thing I can say. It won't be easier as you grow old, but you will be more prepared to deal with all those feelings.

    And, happy belated birthday!

  4. I think we all feel that rollercoaster thing. But in the end everything will be alright, right? That's what they say anyway. We'll just have to live and see.

    Lovely photos as always. And I must say your sister and friends are gorgeous! Happy belated birthday and enjoy your days :)

  5. Spóźnione wszystkiego najlepszego! (: a zdjęcia jak zwykle smakowite!

  6. I read some of these thoughts and it's almost as if I wrote them myself. I understand all too well your fears, and your tangled-ness, and more so your inability to make any changes at the moment. Sometimes I just know that changing will make me feel more like changing but at that time, it's just too hard. Sometimes I feel comfortable being so uncomfortable.

    Your film photos are beautiful. I really loved reading this.
    Happy Birthday xoxo

  7. Belated happy birthday Kasia! That cake looks so yummy. Good thing I did not see this post with an empty stomach. Also, I love Tudorcolor as well. Sadly, we don't have it in pur country.

  8. Belated Happy Birthday...wish you lots of happiness and adventures ahead.
    Everything looks delicious even the colours of Tudorcolor!

  9. you really should make a compilation of your writing here in the blog ;)
    we never know what's on the other side of the 'fence' when we look into what seems an ordinary person..


© Dipped in Rococo ~ lifestyle in analog Maira Gall.