reality of being twenty+

- t h e  b i r t h d a y  g i r l -

I know I had told you there would be no post for my twenty first birthday, but I had not predicted a new roll would be finished by me around that time. I thought I wouldn't have a cake, no party whatsoever, nothing to show you, my friends. My sister surprised me with a delicious cake with raspberries, wild strawberries (my favourite!) and blueberries, which was bought, not made, but she picked certainly the best she could :)

My life is like a rollercoaster right now. I cry a lot, I feel moody, weird, tangled up, troubled. I often ask myself where the boundary lies, where the turning point is, and whether will I ever be capable of saying 'it's too much, it's over'. For now, I cannot do that. I am physically and mentally not capable and not ready to change anything in my life. Even though I probably know that it would be for the best. I won't deny myself simple pleasures of existence. Sighs, deep breaths, reckless behaviour, falling in love. I just won't, because if I do, then what will be left of me? If you asked me if I was happy now, I would answer "I have never been happier in my whole life."

I wonder, how will I ever be able to differentiate losing myself (as in changing myself to the point where the old me is going, going and gone) from changing due to growing up? Both I fear, but one is inevitable, mostly because my bonds with people are getting tighter. And maybe I am changing for them, so it's a little bit easier to get along with me, so I don't get them disappointed or even furious. Deep down inside, I want someone to get to me, to really get to know me, in the most realistic and romantic way. I want for them to be able to say they know the real me, and I desire not feeling like I'm not enough. I feel shivers down my spine. Will that ever be true? I do not know. I doubt it, because that's my nature. I strongly despise the voice in my head that doubts stuff. But I cannot help it. My life has been like a dream ever since I finished high school. I have been caught up in the most unusual things. It's like there is a magnet between the extraordinary & I. I am no longer your regular girl next door, or maybe I still am, who knows what kind of secrets a regular girl next door keeps in her diary.

And oh my, Tudorcolor, I LOVE YOU.