reality of being twenty+

- t h e  b i r t h d a y  g i r l -

I know I had told you there would be no post for my twenty first birthday, but I had not predicted a new roll would be finished by me around that time. I thought I wouldn't have a cake, no party whatsoever, nothing to show you, my friends. My sister surprised me with a delicious cake with raspberries, wild strawberries (my favourite!) and blueberries, which was bought, not made, but she picked certainly the best she could :)

My life is like a rollercoaster right now. I cry a lot, I feel moody, weird, tangled up, troubled. I often ask myself where the boundary lies, where the turning point is, and whether will I ever be capable of saying 'it's too much, it's over'. For now, I cannot do that. I am physically and mentally not capable and not ready to change anything in my life. Even though I probably know that it would be for the best. I won't deny myself simple pleasures of existence. Sighs, deep breaths, reckless behaviour, falling in love. I just won't, because if I do, then what will be left of me? If you asked me if I was happy now, I would answer "I have never been happier in my whole life."

I wonder, how will I ever be able to differentiate losing myself (as in changing myself to the point where the old me is going, going and gone) from changing due to growing up? Both I fear, but one is inevitable, mostly because my bonds with people are getting tighter. And maybe I am changing for them, so it's a little bit easier to get along with me, so I don't get them disappointed or even furious. Deep down inside, I want someone to get to me, to really get to know me, in the most realistic and romantic way. I want for them to be able to say they know the real me, and I desire not feeling like I'm not enough. I feel shivers down my spine. Will that ever be true? I do not know. I doubt it, because that's my nature. I strongly despise the voice in my head that doubts stuff. But I cannot help it. My life has been like a dream ever since I finished high school. I have been caught up in the most unusual things. It's like there is a magnet between the extraordinary & I. I am no longer your regular girl next door, or maybe I still am, who knows what kind of secrets a regular girl next door keeps in her diary.

And oh my, Tudorcolor, I LOVE YOU.

20.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me -- Here I am, oldest I've ever been and the youngest I will ever be. What a deep thought, lol. At the age of 20, I'm studying dentistry, I've had a dozen of blogs, a kind of successful tumblr blog with few thousands of followers, but I am still a hell of a mess maker! Tumblr taught me that it's okay to be awkward, it's alright to spend your Saturday nights in, watching silly movies of your preference (horrors in my case, always horrors) and it's more than acceptable if the list of your previous boyfriends is short or maybe even non-existent. I've developed 11 films -- but never yet got 36 out of 36 pictures on them. If I were to form one simple costant in my life, it would the fact that pictures of me in the mirror or captures of coffee I make myself, spending way to much time on decoration of what I'm about to drink, NEVER turn out alright on film. Duh. Sadly, I gave up on my vidding career and possible Hollywood fame. I have done some very stupid things, trusted people I shouldn't have, fucked up my relationship with parents, ruined a few friendships as well. It puts me almost at the start of year two, at uni, over 200 kms away from my hometown. During those 20 years I got addicted to caffeine and bad reality shows (mostly Hardcore Pawn and some stupid Polish ones, we all know what I'm talking about). I proved a lot to myself over that time. Overcome some fears along the way. I don't intend to give my character any particular depth. I am a regular nerd, with no social life, several passions and unstoppable will to pursue dreams and make changes. 

Most of the time, I have been lost. Wandering around, stumbling upon things that might have or mightn't have blossomed into something more. I found myself in Japanese literature, especially in Murakami's magical realism. Over the years, I have been a little detective with Christie, a young woman from the suburbs of Boston with Plath, May Kasahara of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle & Lisa Rowe, an interrupted sociopath. I have tried writing myself, one shot fics I'd call them, just for kicks of cheering me up if I'm ever down and in need of taking my mind off things. I was a happy child, naively thinking I had a perfect family like the ones you'd see in Sunday movies on telly. I never made any strong relationships with people. Thoughts of primary school bring on a vague feeling of being rejected by others, misunderstood, vague enough to be shaken after a moment, when I remember all the cool things I was a part of back then. I'm still pretty sure I was not the widely liked or appreciated kid. Junior high was the initial period of time when I consciously reached out to someone and got my heart broken for the very first time. That sort of went on and off for next 10 years. In high school I told myself that it's no use in having any regrets at all, especially if I don't do anything wrong -- I was always a sensible person and although some of my actions were plain stupid (I don't regret them, but I can fully agree that I must have been a dumbass back then), but to be quite honest, some will make a hell of a story in the future.

I've met some incredible people during those 20 years. It's hard for me to even tell how long I've known Marret, a friend of mine for the Netherlands with whom I first started talking....via youtube. Remember how I mentioned my vidding career earlier in that post? Yeah, exactly. I'm pretty certain she's been in my life the longest (out of the people I can call my friends right now) -- when we meet one day, I swear it will be hard for me to even stop taking pictures of her pretty face! Most of the time, friendships like ours, the over distance ones, don't actually last long. Maybe, in my case it was not actually that hard, but in fact easier. You can ask some of my regular real life best friends (who you will be hearing about A LOT in the future, so I'm not going to dwell on that now, love you babes!), being friends with me is kind of tough. I'm tough. Anything that involves any feelings and me is tough. So I often run away. And if I do, then for awhile there is no turning back for me. I often ask myself why some people actually bother to reach out to me after I fail at reaching out to them, again and again. "My ears hear what others cannot hear. Small faraway things people cannot normally see are visible to me. These senses are the fruit of a lifetime of longing, longing to be rescued, to be completed. Just as the skirt needs the wind to billow, I'm not formed by things that are of myself alone. I wear my father's belt tied around my mother's blouse, and shoes which are from my uncle. This is me. Just as a flower does not choose its color, we are not responsible for what we have come to be. Only once you realize this do you become free, and to become adult is to become free."

I've heard I was different. Too often do I wonder, wouldn't it be easier if people knew how to be completely honest with each other? I'm done with being treated like someone whose reaction you should fear. Being human, knowing how to forgive and forget, I am genuinely sad when someone takes it for granted. Sometimes I feel like I have lost to much due to the fact that people are so diffucult to figure out. My disguise is usually so thin you could see right through it, at least I think so, never had I thought that it's rather hard for anyone to get inside my head. One thing that you should know about me is that I hate deception, I hate foolishness, but I love sushi. Oh well, what an awkward way to finish. 

If you're still reading then well, congratulations, you've made it till the end! Just to sum up everything (pretty much everything I guess) I'd say only that I'd rather take pictures than pose for them. I'd rather drink Martini bianco than rosato -- and I'd rather love people than hate them. Keep that in mind, please. May you have amazing vacay! Namasté!