almost twenty one

Being one month away from the 21 mark, I feel like the universe is one mean middle-aged lady, who just doesn't give me a chance to forget that I am growing old. I seem to have some writer's block these days. I know exactly what I want to write about and how to approach it, yet the drafts on this blog remain to be empty except for photographs.  The main goal of this post was to tell you how badly I will miss my childhood years. I still want to possess the naivety of a child, since it makes your falls and failures a little less serious. If I could go to a place I had been before, it would have been to the point before it all began to change for me.  So around age 11,12. Even though later in mu teens it all turned around pretty rapidly. 

Being almost 21, I start to feel the weight of my choices and need to grasp that time tighter, so I can cherish it for another second or two. Some times I feel like it is not going too well, in terms of myself picking a way to have a happy future. I am my only friend, yet some of my actions would say differently. Life is life, it doesn't look like it will change any time sooner. I still fail at saving up, and therefore even after getting a scholarship I am not going to Greece this summer... Maybe next year, but then I will probably have to go alone, since my schedules are not synchronized with anyone's. So I am here again, spending the summer exactly the way I had over the years. As a kid I most feared insomnia. And look at me now, blogging at 3am, because I can't seem to fall asleep. I love the beauty of a night turning into a day. I love staying up because I want to, not because I have to. Althought there is this eternal struggle that I have to face. To drink some orange juice (with the need to brush again, after waiting 15minutes) or not to drink. Daaamn it. 

Love made me stay, but I still worry about the future. I cannot let go completely. In my head I already apologize to myself for not taking a proper care of mu heart. It all began 6 months ago, and all that 6 months were a period of changing and growing up. One of the saddest thoughts I have had in the past few days is that perhaps it is too tough for anyone to love the bits of me. But some white chocolate quickly solved this problem :)

Even if I still do not cook, I give it a try way more often nowadays. And I started to feed other people as well, fortunately not poisoning anyone for now. Oh and I no longer overcook pasta. Win! (Actually it happened once, on the most embarassing time it could have been, because I had someone over for dinner and of course I failed at multitasking and now I ask myself whether it had any big influence on the fact that the guy dumped me later on...)

We are planning our summer trip and I wish it was all over already, in terms of organising stuff. We will probably go by plane, since the train price is insane, wayyy too insane. I love the way A is excited about that. Budapest is a gorgeous place and I just cannot wrap my head around what film to bring with me. The year finished and I have possibly managed to get the highest average mark out of the people my year. I received a Fuji Pro 400H from my sweetheart, so it was the most amazing way to get the lomography season started. I had wanted to try that film forever. FOREVER. This summer I will rely on films I have not used in awhile. Tomorrow I am going to buy some Kodak Gold, and there is also some place in my heart for Ilford (125) since Katie of Curating Cuteness recommends it, and well I always listen to Katie, she is why I started this blog in the first place. So yup, these are my analog plans for the next months.

I am back home and there is a high probability that when I wake up tomorrow I will have my breakfast served. There is no better feeling. But of course, one must leave home and study 270kms away from it, to fully understand it and not take for granted whichever lands on the plate in front of them. I learned my lesson and life has taught me that tea always tastes better at home. I used to love green tea with honey and now I am all way a black tea kind of gal, except for the times when I am back where I was raised. 

Take care guys, I will post soon enough, because I plan to go craaazy with some Tudorcolor the next couple of days. Oh, and happy 6 months, A. Cannot believe time flies by so fast.