trying everything once

It is a Zenit thing.

On how my Zenit broke when in Poznan, parties we did not attend, things we did together and Caramel Starbucks Macchiato.

Not so long ago I told you about my new Zenit ET, which after only one roll became my new favourite in my small camera collection. I loved how intuitive it was to be photographing with it, but it did not last long. I took it to Poznan with me, knowing that if I want to get a chance at capturing this city's magic, this is the right camera for me. Unfortunately it died on me on the second day, since its shutter no longer closes itself fully. Again, pretty unlucky since I very much enjoyed it. And it is the second time around that my Zenit (first 412ls, now ET) fails at working. Still, I tried to stay positive and hope that even though I did not complete the whole roll and I could feel the shutter failing at times, I would end up with a few lovely photographs, which will make me reminisce it all. Now I guess I will come back to my beloved Praktica, since it's the only cam that has not disappointed me so far. What's up with me and Zenits anyway? Why am I so unlucky when it comes to those cameras? Seriously.

The Conference

My third stomatological conference passed faster than I had predicted it would have. We stayed in a lovely hostel little over 200 metres from the main townsquare, where the rooms were made in style of Roman Polanski's movies. Imagine me being all joyful, when the one we got was 'Repulsion'. I am so happy that despite our former worries that the place might not suit us very well, Rosemary's was fun to stay at & had great and helpful staff. Our room was small, yet cosy. There was somebody playing a guitar just outside our window (which I oddly found an advantage). Oh, and also a vodka bar, open from 10am to 5am, on the opposite side of the street, vis a vis our window. Coolest place ever.

3 is a number big enough for me to fail at avoiding comparisons. Gdansk stole my heart and was a way cooler in my opinion. But on the other hand, me in Poznan was definitely more fearless. It's a great thing to be travelling to distant cities, to be able to attend lectures of International professors and breathe some fresh, new air, every 3-4 months. 

I'll try anything once

There is some saying in Polish about Poznan, with its free translation of "city of experience", that I never predicted I would find so true after just one weekend. I had absolutely amazing time. I ate some delicious food (actually staying away from the regional cuisine, next time, I promise!), with a great company. Sure the weather could be nicer, we could see more stuff instead of staying in during the evenings, but I like my choices. I like them to the point of saying 'it was worth it, all of it.' It was my first time ever in that city. Once again, I found myself independent and sure that I can rely on myself. Pretty rad feeling, believe me.

We didn't have time to go around and explore as much as we wished. That kind of breaks my heart, being so close to new experience around each corner and not fully using my options. 

Our maths being flawless, we ended up with extra bus tickets and now we know we want to come back there again, maybe even later this year, for another few days, this time with a map in my hand and a working camera in another. Sending you lots of love, guys! 

peace of mind

This week has mixed me up. It has made me feel in love, yet so out of love, at times I was barely standing on my own feet. I can tell you one and one thing only. Despite however life treats you, and if you find yourself responding to it too much, you just stay who you are, and you will be just fine. We have done an incredible work, the two of us, the past three months. And I shiver at the thought of having it all gone, in a second or two. And it might be gone, who knows, but at least when I look at myself in the mirror, I will know that I had tried, and maybe in the end it will make me hate myself just this little bit less. Please promise me that you will trust your gut, okay?

So I need to take a deep breath and just do my thing. Move on. I'm not saying I want to be the weak one, the betrayed one, any time in future. Being tender as they are, relations do leave you hangin', in a way. And maybe it's okay. You're only twenty, you don't need to see all the cards on the table. Just feel that what you're going for is what you want. And oh, okay, you could go around, being silly, trying to prove something to someone, but it's better to be a hurt, fragile yourself than bring unhappiness upon yourself by acting like someone you're not - only because it's easier and it might make you feel better for a moment. Cause you love, for god's sake. You love, and this should be enough. You love, love, love.

Become the person you would ideally fall in love with. Let cars merge into your lane when driving. Pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. Stick your tongue out at babies. Compliment people on their cute clothes. Challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. Then two. Then a week. Walk with a straight posture. Look people in the eye. Ask people about their story. Talk to acquaintances so they become friends. Lie in the sunshine. Daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. Open your eyes. Take small steps to make it happen for you. 

Small steps are fine. They're fine, we're making them together.

Zenit ET with Agfa vista 400, again. Quite a lovely combination. Poznań, get ready for us on the 25th. Thank you for the film suggestions you've left me under the previous post. Possibly next week I'll order some new film to stack myself up for my next trips. Stay safe, everyone. Kisses!

days without incident

And sometimes, those words are so on the tip of my tongue, but I exhale slowly, not verbalizing a thing. You want me to tell, but I cannot. You wait for it— I know. Then the moment's gone and I swallow them back down. I shiver under your questions, aimed at my heart like bullets. I might be your Pandora's box, which you know you don't want to open, since it might have far-reaching consequences. There are cracks in the concept of us, which I know I fear to face. Then there are cracks in myself, and I guess you would have to accept them one day. If you could of course, only if you wanted to. I was a fool to ever think it might not be as hard as they said it would be. Life, relationships, being enough. You cannot make homes out of human beings.

You wanted me to tell, so I told. And now I get to repeat it over and over again, only sometimes feeling foolish at how my voice breaks while my heart surfaces. Damn me, I might have a heart after all. Sometimes I wish I did not. Sometimes I just want to shrink and become an object. An old music box, covered with dust, stashed away on one of your gran's shelves. A vinyl record, scratched, because you've played it lovingly over and over again, until it got worn down. I want to be a pollen, landing on your perfectly shaped nose, in a hot and sultry day of late summer, light and unnoticeable, just like I've always been unnoticeable to you. I want to be just an object, have no dreams nor expectations. Have my place in this world. Place, which wouldn't be questioned by a soul.

A thing you don't know yet is that I recently bought a new camera, old Zenit ET, which literally cost me 5 eur. I've got my first roll of film developed today and taking into consideration that I still have no bloody idea how to use the selenium lightmeter, I think I did a pretty rad job on this one. Zenit ET is lighter than my Praktica and it seriously gives me this extra boost of energy to carry it around and shoot more. Also, even my biggest critic said that the results weren't that bad. Agfa vista definitely lost some of it's magic though, but we will work on that soon enough, in Poznan! Yes, I'm going to take part in another dental conference. Therefore I need more films, pronto! What is your favourite film that you use nowadays, huh? I'd use some recommendations. And yesterday we finally got those famous burgers that a place in our town serves.