whatever it is you're seeking

Whatever it is you're seeking, won't come in the form you're expecting.

Seeing your only sister wearing a wedding dress might be just the most remarkable feeling in the whole world. When the curtains moved apart, I finally realized that this is really happening. June 6th (and I still have no date or generally someone to accompany me, damn it). Okay okay I got a bit teary, but the apogee will be the wedding itself. By the time this thing even starts I will have my mascara running down my face like a stream. It's seriously going to be nerve wrecking experience. Thank God this is not me getting married.

Let me just say how crushed I actually was, when for the first time I learnt that our weddings are nothing like American movies weddings. I've never been to a wedding before, so everything I think I know about weddings comes from cheap romantic comedies that I watch from time to time. And a number of weddings on "The Bold and the Beautiful", but I'll leave that with no further comments. It's hard for me to accept that it seems like the most crucial part is omitted, how come the groom doesn't get told he can finally kiss his bride? This is life ruining. It's not like I'd love for something like this to happen, but I am also sad that the bit of "speak now or forever hold your peace" just won't happen. It's like the most exciting part of the wedding, according to most of the films! Damn the suspense!

worry less. do more.

I'm back home for Christmas time. Almost with a clean slate at my school. I was never too religious, so I'd rather use this time to rebuild myself and to think. I'd done an awful lot of thinking even before I left Białystok, but in a way thinking between getting one pass and another was not the healthiest kind of thinking. Done at 3am, brainwashed, tired.

Highlights of the week. I finally ordered myself some poetry that I'd longed for. Yes, I finally bought Love & Misadventure. Yays to reading under the sheets, with coffee and marshmallows. I'm somehow really curious about it. Not that the misadventure part is much more familiar to me, I remember how I could relate to Lang, the first time I read her works. But I do plan to write a separate post on the lovely time I spend with Miss Leav. I am finally getting the sleep that I needed and it feels bloody marvellous. It's hard not to stay up until early morning hours, especially when the topics of conversations get fiery, but I do enjoy my waking up at noon. I was never a big fan of Christmas time, but I do enjoy a party once in awhile, so my New Year's Eve options are still open. Surely you don't know, but a year ago, right after a new year began, I made myself a happy jar. A jar where I'd put mentions of things that made me happy in 2013. I am picky when it comes to officially labelling things as "happy makers". I forgot to bring it back home with me, but I do remember most of them, so even if I end up drinking champagne with my friend somewhere close to neither Białystok nor my hometown, I know I will be able to recall them all. 

I bought myself a used Lomo Fisheye. Why a Fisheye? I was never into such pictures so much, but when I saw a girl I know from high school times, selling her lomo on facebook, I just couldn't pass on such opportunity to try something new. Yes, I do enjoy new things in my life. It's beautiful, gold and to be quite honest it feels like a plastic toy in my hands. I got used to tank-like cameras, and being absolutely and utterly in love with my Praktica, which will stay in my heart forever, I'm just happy that I finally got something lighter, with a flash, which might be a fit for the life of the party that I lead from time to time. I am going to give it a try with a regular 200 iso roll (though I know what they recommend is actually 400, so we will see) and see for myself whether I get that vibe or using a toy-like camera is not for me.  As per usual, I plan to have a lot of fun while doing so. Gdańsk, here I come. I've never been to the sea in the winter before. Oh the joy of the first times.  Do you have any tips for me, as a beginning Fisheye user?

“There are a million ways to bleed. But you are by far my favorite.” 

(One of "I wrote this for you" little paragraphs that make me want to scream inside. There will be a post on those books and my favourite quotes, containing about a million of words, since I love each and every sentence that this book carries inside. Damn me, my feelings and those pages.)

I will speak to you soon! Have a merry one, guys! Thank you for sticking around. I know 2014 will be exquisite. There is just no other way, you know. Thank you Erin, for this beautiful Christmas card that you've sent me. You're the loveliest! Thank you for making my Christmas brighter with all those glitter little Christmas trees! Thank you, Katie, for ever introducing me to the idea of lomography. Your blog was what pushed me towards making my own. Thank you everyone for being such a great inspiration in 2013.

winter shorts

Hello there, snow. Hello there, frost welcoming my cheeks each time I exit the library. 

I was afraid of winter this year. Afraid of its cold touch upon my already freezing heart. Few weeks ago, this is exactly what I wrote in my diary. "I am worried about the impact the forthcoming winter might have on my heart. I am afraid, this time around, it will miss the warm touch it received a year ago. Maybe it will even freeze over eventually. But wouldn't that be for the best? Frozen is better than itching from cold and tiredness. Frozen means better off safe, delicate, yet not currently suffering. Unless something comes creeping in with a hammer to shatter it to pieces, and I may never retrieve its prior form again, even if spring ever comes." Winter came, along with December of all-nighters, patients, not keeping my distance with some people, and sinusitis. I really did intent to write more, the universe knows I did. I just got caught up with stuff that I could not postpone. Don't feel abandoned, though. I predicted short winter days and artificial lights would not become my best friends, so it's not anything that I didn't plan. Getting a new film developed is like a spark in this brand new cold world. I guess there's no turning back now, right? Christmas is happening and I can do nothing about it. Not that I have something against it, I just never felt like it was my time of the year.

How come whenever winter comes we become more dependent on other people? We do want to become dependent on someone, and that's the truly scary part. You can try to kill it with time you spend with your textbooks, but it always comes back, crawling up your spine. You become responsible for what you have tamed.

I slept for approximately two hours last night, but now I just can't seem to fall asleep. How would you call it? Apathy? Or maybe a change of the heart?  Having hot water with honey and ginger, a real gem of my childhood, I try to calm myself down and write to clear my head. Actually, after all the anger left my mind, I am thankful that you decided to cross-question me that night and make me admit something that I was always afraid to admit to myself. I could be myself with you, if only just for a moment. I wish you were more responsible with me later on, but I know it's silly. I should have known better, after all those times. And it's myself that I blame the most.

(Lomo side of the story. Agfa vista 200 with artificial light, what was I even thinking?)

Sadly, I only managed to see one projection at the Żubroffka festival this year. Just one and it managed to bring me all the way back to the start, December 2012. Before you google it, Żubroffka is an alternative film festival, held in Białystok. Being international, it brings together loads of amazing people, cultures and points of view. Their beautifully printed catalogue is my favourite souvenir, and definitely something that I plan to collect through the years. 

Two hours, five movies. A documentary, two animations, two stories. A perfect balance. I sort of agree that this year, the festival was slightly different. It's still, of course, alternative, which I adore, but last winter, when I entered the cinema for the first time, everything just drew me in. Somehow it was more magical, more personal. Not because of the obvious reasons, but maybe I just missed the point back then. Despite all that, it's definitely an event to attend, so go for it, if you ever have a chance!

distance of the modern hearts

This is what happens, when you decide to go to a concert, loving the music, but not quite knowing how the artists look like. And suddenly, boom, you end up in the second row, in front of a stage filled with absolutely hot guys, whose moves literally give you goosebumps, but at the same time warm you up from the inside. This cannot be described in a way other than, it was bloody marvellous. And the fact that we got our tickets signed afterwards, and that I actually spoke with T, and I decided to speak my mind for once (complimenting him in a very definite way), it all made it worth it. Absolutely worth the lack of sleep that I got the following night. Their energy was amazing, their moves as equally. So it's fair to say, I'm hooked on Melt, T and the way he smiled at me, when he said he noticed me during the concert. Life=made. My friend said that if we continue to be crazy and talk to them this way, we'll soon be crushing their afterparties. I would certainly not mind, so I'm not giving up on being my charming little self. 

There are certain moments in life, which make you want to just squeeze them, put in your heart and mind, and never let go. Even though I ended up being picture-less (I actually think a polaroid would be the best option for me to buy and use on such gigs, great place for the autographs as well, damn) my mind repeats it over and over. Coming to a general conclusion about that night, platonic crushes are the best, in a world where all you do is study, eat and sleep (with drinking occuring way too rarely), I love beats that seem to break my ribs, sometimes being somebody's last choice might actually turn out to be very rewarding if you just close your eyes, take a deep breath and feel the rhythm. Maybe I should just drop everything that ties me down, and become a groupie? A groupie, who desperately needs a haircut, though.

Life goes on rapidly. I seem to be bruising easily nowadays, and I mean both, literal (as you can see above) and metaphorical meaning of that word. Sometimes I feel like all I see is flashing lights. People growing closer, people growing apart, learning to let things go or to finally let myself go and have fun. I am so glad to finally be able to start planning my summer trips, since I officially got my first scholarship payment today. As you can see, I seem to have so much luck these days, (I also got 3 Red Bulls instead of 1, out of a vending machine on Wednesday :D) so I'm clearly enjoying my existence, which I suppose is why I find myself smiling more. Nothing, and I mean nothing, no one, not one thing in this whole world, is going to spoil that, because I simply won't let it. 

I think we can say that November is over. I'd predicted it would be a hell of a month, but instead I ended up being more social, talkative, and welcomed a bit of self-awareness into my life, that I never though would be there by now. I managed to catch up with J, had a blast at a birthday party (a separate post coming for sure, as soon as I free the pictures that are stuck in my current roll, which I fail to finish), attended the PTTS Warsaw conference and finally saw Kamp!, all that in one month that I thought would leave me studying twenty four/seven. Last week made me add two more things to my happy jar, which will be emptied in exactly one month and one day, on New Year's Eve. I'm way too picky when it comes to putting things in that jar. Or maybe it's just that I have not felt truly content in a long time. Have a lovely December guys! I'm off with my first caffeine dose and physiology for the rest of today.

S i n g  b e f o r e  b r e a k f a s t,  c r y  b e f o r e  n i g h t.

Lomo side of the story: I more than loved my first roll of Kodak Ultramax 400, and I swear if it wasn't for the price of it, I would come back to that film more often. November was not a golden age for my camera, since my life has been one big school routine since October. Now that the scholarship money is around, a new lens might make an appearance in my life, who knows! :)

pumpkin spice and yoga pants

Varsovie was kind and entertaining. It gave me exactly what I needed, in an exact amount that I needed. Even though it was not as visually pleasing as I predicted it would be, I am sure it's a trip to remember. I stayed at my friend's apartment, which is located in a building with an actual lobby-like entrance. Big aquarium and red leather sofas included! It just might be the effect, which Warsaw has on me. I felt far away from home, far away from everything. But at the same time, I felt that this city was his, and I did not actually belong. (I seem to have a slight problem with our lovely capital.) That's the trick. So I felt all that, and I have to admit that I'd gone reckless. Feels like I might want to make it a habit. I didn't take many pictures, because I rarely took my camera out with me. All you need to know is that we partied well, or at least I have a feeling we did.

If you say "pumpkin spice latte" in the mirror 3 times, a white girl in yoga pants will appear & tell you all her favorite things about fall.

I was so glad to find out, that Pumpkin Spice Latte is not only about the hype, and it's actually a delicious piece of caffein treat. The autumn menu at Starbucks is almost gone, so I'm happy to have tasted it at last! About my favourite things about fall. There are not too many. This fall, I spend my days at the library, dating my books and English Division possibilites. And my camera, sometimes.

Cold days are coming, I can feel it in my bones. Snow might be weeks or days away, and it will take only a moment for this city to be covered with it again, to the fear in my heart and the coldness of my hands. But that also means that Żubroffka movie festival is coming. And THAT'S a real treat for a hipster like me. (Still in denial.) And this is a happy thing. Why exactly? Because I very much enjoyed it last year.

The most amazing feeling in the whole world, is when you decide to stop being egocentric about something. You do now know how it's going to turn out for you in the future, but the feeling is just so pure and simple. It goes down your spine like a spark, ignited by freedom and fairness in your mind. You've stopped playing somebody else's game, congratulations. In other words, I decided to stop being needy and from now on, I won't use people (even if they want to be used), only because I'm bored with my life. 10 points for you, Kasia Górska.

Folks at PTSS Warsaw did a great job, although I still think their lottery sucked (I did not win anything). Next conference will be held in Gdansk, and that makes me super excited, because this is where my best friend lives. We spent most of our Saturday in that lecture hall, listening to facts about endo, bruxism, implantology or ortodontics. Saturday party was pretty much a fail. An enormous crowd, problems at the entrance, not enough % in my blood, the list goes on. But Friday was amazing. It really was. 

ten random facts, part two

Hi there! Since my previous week was nothing special and I only managed to take some pictures last night (awesome combo of great people, first tea with JJ then some drinking with uni friends), I sort of thought another ten random facts post would be a fit. You can read the first 10 facts about me right here. I'm really excited for the weeks to come, I'm going to Warsaw next weekend, it's going to be my first conference of Polish Association of Dental Students (so happy it's held so close to Bialystok) and even though the week after already looks pretty tragic and so far I have no place to stay at in Warsaw, I'm gladly giving it a go.

Thank you for sticking around. I'll talk to you soon, I promise! Now off to the topic of today's random post...

1. I suppose you know that already, but for those who don't pay any extra attention to my ramblings, I study stomatology (which for you would be called dentistry, I guess). And so far it's fair to say I am enjoying it. I've only just started my second year in October and I am going to treat my first patient on November 27th. How scary. Nah, I'm horrified, really.

2. Sushi taught of me appreciation of raw fish. Salmon tartare is my ultimate favourite thing to eat. It's delicious, simple and (I'm happy to be able to say that about at least one thing in my menu) healthy! Glad I found a sushi lover in my friend Nat, who's always there for me if I want to grab something at Tanoshi, my favourite sushi place in the city.

3. I've always dreamt of a huge map of the world painted on one of my living room's walls, also, filling it with postcards I receive from my friends from all over the world. Such a variety of cultures, languages and experiences always mattered to me. That's why ever since I started my online journey of meeting people, making friends, sending postcards started to appeal more and more to me. Now I'd like to call it my little hobby.

4. I'm not a smoker, I carry it around though. (Going to burn each one of them, one at a time) Like a drunk me said last night (which is actually the dumbest thing I could say, but since I love my drunk needy alter ego...) I only smoke when I want a cigarette, not when the cigarette wants me. Shhh, I'm awesome.

5. I've always wanted to know how to do origami. I gave it a few tries as a child, but since I failed multiple times, I sort of realized maybe it's not just something that I am supposed to know how to do. Being bored last summer, I gave it a go again and guess what happened, I made a perfect origami crane at the first try. I know it's easy, but I do enjoy my little achievements. Another thing from my "101 things to do before you're old and boring" ticked off!

6. B e f o r e  I  d i e  I  w a n t   t o; *Travel, travel, travel. Each time further. Europe at first. And then one day a whole roadtrip in the US, just like in the movies. *Learn a new language. And perfect my English as much as possible without speaking it on daily basis. *Read everything Murakami. Morerover, I'd love to visit Tokio one day and discover it through his books. There is a guide (in Polish even) written to explore Tokio with tips and facts included in his novels. *Have a family, that will make me feel safe, loved and needed. Few kids, few pets. A big modern house and a cosy flat in one of European capitals. *Start being rational about my feelings. *Establish a solid place for myself in the society. *Learn how to form steady and lasting relationships with other people.

7. My Starbucks order is White Chocolate Mocha with whipped cream. And this is not how my name is spelled btw. At the time I actually had a signature hot chocolate, since it was a chocolate day when we were in Prague, so I wanted to celebrate it in a proper way!

8. The Love Tester in the Prague's Museum of Sex showed that I am in fact the wild one. Like I did not know that already, duh.

9. I love Autumn. The warm, colorful kind. As soon as all I can notice is death around me, I start wishing for spring, when it will all bloom again. I'd lie if I said that the late fall didn't somehow appeal to me as well, though. It gets darker, the layer of ashes beneath your feet that once were leaves- thicker. But it's reassuring to know that even the Earth has its down days from time to time.

10. During last days of September, I finally redeemed some vouchers I'd received for my birthday two months earlier. One of them was a beauty salon visit, after which I realized I'd never felt better. The second one gave me an opportunity to buy some books that I'd longed for, Norwegian Wood, Sputnik Sweetheart, Lolita, and a few other Murakami novels. Those books are like Pokemons, seriously. I just gotta catch 'em all. :)

collisions.

Don't you ever feel like you're stuck with a certain group of people and you are too lazy to go out and explore? One of a few reasons why I'm glad I picked my major, is that people say that a good dentist is also a good psychologist, or a listener, whatever. I love people. I love love love people. And even though sometimes it's not tough to make me angry, and I'm really a sort of introvertic person, who charges up when being alone, I still find it extremely fun and expanding to be able to talk to other people and see their point of view (see my inner dilemma of ambiversion??). K, even though my major is not particularly the going out and social type, because of the lack of time we always experience, we try our best. At least I want to believe, I do. Me, failing, is another thing though.

Thank you for a lovely afternoon, I. ! I'm looking forward to more to come. So glad I copied your order, because that was honestly the best apple pie I'd ever tasted :)

Why do I feel like November is going to make me even more antisocial than I am now, though? (How is it November already? This blog has been up for 5 months, just wow.) Physiology is such a pain in the ass, I'm telling you! Soon enough, I will be on a joyride to Christmas, filled with sleep deprivation, freezing over and books. Med school keeps pushing us to our limits, I guess. Wish me luck with staying sane! :)