winter shorts

Hello there, snow. Hello there, frost welcoming my cheeks each time I exit the library. 

I was afraid of winter this year. Afraid of its cold touch upon my already freezing heart. Few weeks ago, this is exactly what I wrote in my diary. "I am worried about the impact the forthcoming winter might have on my heart. I am afraid, this time around, it will miss the warm touch it received a year ago. Maybe it will even freeze over eventually. But wouldn't that be for the best? Frozen is better than itching from cold and tiredness. Frozen means better off safe, delicate, yet not currently suffering. Unless something comes creeping in with a hammer to shatter it to pieces, and I may never retrieve its prior form again, even if spring ever comes." Winter came, along with December of all-nighters, patients, not keeping my distance with some people, and sinusitis. I really did intent to write more, the universe knows I did. I just got caught up with stuff that I could not postpone. Don't feel abandoned, though. I predicted short winter days and artificial lights would not become my best friends, so it's not anything that I didn't plan. Getting a new film developed is like a spark in this brand new cold world. I guess there's no turning back now, right? Christmas is happening and I can do nothing about it. Not that I have something against it, I just never felt like it was my time of the year.

How come whenever winter comes we become more dependent on other people? We do want to become dependent on someone, and that's the truly scary part. You can try to kill it with time you spend with your textbooks, but it always comes back, crawling up your spine. You become responsible for what you have tamed.

I slept for approximately two hours last night, but now I just can't seem to fall asleep. How would you call it? Apathy? Or maybe a change of the heart?  Having hot water with honey and ginger, a real gem of my childhood, I try to calm myself down and write to clear my head. Actually, after all the anger left my mind, I am thankful that you decided to cross-question me that night and make me admit something that I was always afraid to admit to myself. I could be myself with you, if only just for a moment. I wish you were more responsible with me later on, but I know it's silly. I should have known better, after all those times. And it's myself that I blame the most.

(Lomo side of the story. Agfa vista 200 with artificial light, what was I even thinking?)

Sadly, I only managed to see one projection at the Żubroffka festival this year. Just one and it managed to bring me all the way back to the start, December 2012. Before you google it, Żubroffka is an alternative film festival, held in Białystok. Being international, it brings together loads of amazing people, cultures and points of view. Their beautifully printed catalogue is my favourite souvenir, and definitely something that I plan to collect through the years. 

Two hours, five movies. A documentary, two animations, two stories. A perfect balance. I sort of agree that this year, the festival was slightly different. It's still, of course, alternative, which I adore, but last winter, when I entered the cinema for the first time, everything just drew me in. Somehow it was more magical, more personal. Not because of the obvious reasons, but maybe I just missed the point back then. Despite all that, it's definitely an event to attend, so go for it, if you ever have a chance!