my favourite faded fantasy

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

My vacation has finally begun. But like always in life, I just cannot spend my days in bed and forget about the whole world. In the past, I successfully vanished each time the vacation started. This year, unlike any other, it is just too hard to fully let go of everything and everyone. Maybe I no longer know how to turn invisible. I cannot go unseen. Life in another city has made me stronger, but when I saw a familiar face in the crowd the other day, all the feelings came back to me. During my school years, I was worth nothing. Nobody ever cared about me. I was never popular, neither in the positive nor the negative way. I just existed. Often people laughed at me, because of the stupidest reasons, like the house I lived in or that my mum was so protective of me, that I couldn't go on  a bus by myself until I was 11 or 12. I heard bitter words because I was skinny and my breasts did not exist until late middle school. During the first years in school, I was surrounded by people that spoiled and clueless about real life, that I feel so relieved that I no longer see them day to day. I somehow survived the worst years, living my dream life in my head, living all the scenarios. Maybe I took after my dad in more than just height. I feel like we both demand perfection from ourselves. I wish it was not the case, because I am honestly tired of feeling like I am not enough. I swear, it would have been easier if I just forgot that anyone is actually reading those ramblings that I gather here.

I would have lied if I said that all my life I had been dreaming about you. I had been dreaming about douches and fuck-ups that never took a second glance at me. That perhaps treated my interests as flaws, while you think of me as a smart and well-rounded girl. I do not feel complete, but with you I have learnt to love what I am. And now I feel more sure that I can take a chance at whatever I want, and even if my wishes are not granted, I feel that I deserve the best. Thank you.

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© Dipped in Rococo ~ lifestyle in analog Maira Gall.