2015, hello.

Have a great 2015 everyone! May your life be filled with love, joy, excitement and lots of cocoa and mashmallows. We could talk all about New Year's resolutions, but I want you to tell me one thing that made you feel alive in 2014, go! :)

Wszystkiego najlepszego w nowym roku! Niech Wasze życia będą wypełnione miłością, radością, ekscytacją i dużo kakao z piankami! Moglibyśmy dużo rozmawiać o noworocznych postanowieniach, ale zamiast tego, chciałabym, żebyście napisali mi jedną rzecz, która w 2014 sprawiła, że poczuliście, że tak naprawdę żyjecie, do dzieła! :)

taste and decency.

You started to question my taste, just as I began to question my decency. And just like that we went through the last two weeks -- to the point when it was funny to hear someone say that I must have missed you. Oh the clueless. Thank you for making my comeback more bearable, and nice, pretty nice, I must admit.

I'd say the idea of the rest of this week seems just too pleasant. Not so long ago I was in Gdansk, saying hi to 2014, and now I'm coming back there. Gdansk PTSS conference is my second conference (check out pictures from the Warsaw conference in November of last year), yet the first to happen in the new year, therefore, I suppose, it still has a lot to live up to. No pressure though! Just a 7 hours long train ride, it's not like I expect fireworks. I do, actually. I do.

Every time I leave this city, is like the stable foundation, on which it exists in my mind, collapses. This is why it is so abstract to come back here and live my life just as I did before. Even though I have my place, my bed, lots of personal items scattered around our apartment, each time I come back, it is like I was building something from scratch.

Funny thing, my life. It constantly makes me question what is real and what is not. In about two thirds of cases, I never actually find out. It scares me how easy is to make up something in your mind, fall for an idea, a concept. It is all fun and games until someone gets hurt, which is often the case. I wish my walls would tumble down, and I didn't shut myself out every time an opportunity comes along. But what would life be without trying? Without experiencing moments of joy, without smiling to yourself like a mad person from time to time? Just a dull, empty space. I don't know about you, but it warms up my heart to be able to share my reality with someone. Moments don't last, but life gives us nothing but moments, so don't we rather take active part and enjoy ourselves while we're at it than just let them go too quickly? I often lose my logical outlook on life, which, later on, I regret terribly. Please, just make everything that happens to you count, will you?

thirteen going on fourteen

May 2014 be kind and even better than 2013 was! In every possible way. It's not like I only started taking pictures after midnight, when half of the people had fled, and I had no idea how to act with a fisheye in my hand, which was shaking by the way. I'm going to brace myself, get some 400 iso films and be ready for Gdansk on the 10th. And what's most important, I will stay gold. To be quite honest, last year left me wanting more. I found myself counting fireworks, wishing myself as many chocolate bars, dirty messages, and patients as I could count at that point. I also wish myself more luck in multichotomous questions, which may be a pretty nice metaphor for always picking the best alternative, oh and a good person beside me, by the time 2015 comes.

Coming back to 2013 once more, it made me happy, more or less. And it flew by really fast. I was happy to be around people when it ended, even if I actually spent a lot of time locked away. I want to be a better person this year, to myself and to others. I should also drink less, care less and be a reasonable young woman that I am supposed to be. Right, like I will succeed anyway. Rumour has it, we can never change, therefore 2014 is more likely to be messy, crazy, and to add at least two more people into my diary stories. All because integrity and stability are not exactly my piece of cake. :) After '13 I do know more. I'm B RH negative, whiskey with sprite rocks my socks, it is about a person, not their gender, and pain is truly inevitable, yet suffering is optional. Sucks to say, but I'm turning 21 this year, which makes me legal everywhere in the whole world. Scary. Frustrating as well. My world is shrinking, when it's supposed to be expanding rapidly. I really hope you had a blast at your NYE parties wherever you were. Let's just stay positive about those forthcoming 365 days. And take more pictures, they last longer. ♫ 

It would be stupid to make any new year's resolutions. Sure, I could try to gain some kgs, go on a journey of a lifetime, fall in love, blah blah. Life is unpredictable. If you had listed things 2013 brought, back when it only started for me, I would laugh in your face. And I guess it'd had been hard to stop laughing, and in the end I'd just say some snarky comment about you being delusional or just shake my head mindlessly. But those were all my choices, only mine. If it says anything about me, maybe it means that I'm not that predictable after all?