helios 28mm

Friday, 7 February 2014

I genuinely thought you were my way to equanimity, when in fact you're my way down. All the way down to places I have been before and always wished I would not come back. But I'm here again, and I'm freezing. It feels like being pushed into an air-hole on a lake in the middle of the winter of the century. Maybe you're the winter of the century, and I should have known that earlier, before I stepped outside completely bare. Yes, I have definitely been there before. Felt the guilt, the tiredness, lack of hope.  There's this lump in my throat, which I feel like I could swallow back down, but it keeps appearing and it keeps killing me from the inside, just as I try to keep the tears in. Over the years I have learnt to cry silently. My most sincere tears are tears cried in complete silence.

As a kid, I would count backwards from ten and imagine at one, there would be an explosion– perhaps caused by a rogue planet crashing into Earth or some other major catastrophe. When nothing happened, I'd feel relieved and at the same time, a little disappointed.

I think of you at ten, the first time I saw you. Your smile at nine and how it lit up something inside me I had thought long dead. Your lips at eight pressed against mine and at seven, your warm breath in my ear and your hands everywhere. You tell me you love me at six and at five we have our first real fight. At four we have our second and three, our third. At two you tell me you can't go on any longer and then at one, you ask me to stay.

And I am relieved, so relieved–and a little disappointed. 

But on the other hand, I've got a new lens. So there's at least this tiny piece of good information that I carry. After a long time of whining, searching and mourning high prices of lomo equipment, I finally found something to add to my collection. Since I could not be happier with my Praktica, which was cheap, but most of all - reliable, instead of changing the camera, I reached out to get myself a new lens. I have been using the 58mm Helios 44-2 since last summer, when it totally stole my little heart with its precious bokeh. Having found a 28mm Helios lens with a price that was not mindblowing, I decided to buy it and take it for a spin! What lens are you looking forward to adding to your collection? For now I am stuck with the M42 mount, so let there be light for me and my new Helios lens. Cannot wait to start shooting! And since right now I feel like buying a one way ticked to Guatemala and never coming back, looks like the adventure's about to begin. Or end. Or whatever.

You can stack misery, you can pack despair, you can even wear your sorrow – but come tomorrow you must change your clothes. Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever.


  1. Beautiful words Kasia that left me speechless. super awesome lens! you have a good and calm weekend :-)

  2. Your writing is magic! I can't wait to see photos from these lens -- I've been on the search for a few new ones :)

  3. Oh, so beautiful! Your blog makes me SO happy. X

  4. I love your writing so much. I am so desperate for new lenses all the time... you've just added more to my list!! xoxo

  5. you have a lovely writing style. i am glad to have found your blog. thanks for sharing these lovely photos as well.

    rae from <a href="http://www.lovefromberlin.net/>lovefromberlin</a>

  6. Your blog is brilliant. Excuse me while I stalk all your posts.

    So poetic, and a beautiful lens, oh and the video was so good too! What more could you need in a blog post?
    Love x

    1. I agree Meg! Off to do some stalking myself.

      Your writing is so beautiful

  7. i want to cry kasia, this is so beautiful. now go look for adventures with your new lens, girl!

  8. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us *

  9. To write so well and in such a sincere way is quite a gift, even when it comes out of something painful (perhaps more because of it).

  10. Beautiful lens! And beautiful photos as well!

  11. Amazing words, they resonate... and with a new lens a new way of looking at things


© Dipped in Rococo ~ lifestyle in analog Maira Gall.