memories in black and white.

Life’s too short to drink crappy coffee and cry over boys who don’t care.

How alive am I? Much, and painfully. To the point of strolling the city mindlessly and thinking whether that nice guy asking for directions just a sec ago, was perhaps destiny knocking on my door. Nah, I don't think so. February was an ass kicker. But most of the month I was shooting with a black and white film inside of my camera. Nostalgic. Yes, that month was nostalgic in some kind of way.

When life gives us lemons, we either make a lemonade or throw those damn fruit at someone. Have it your way, we say. Or we make an orange juice and leave the universe in awe. We're so cool, right?

I hate feeling the changes approaching, their silent breathing down my neck, and my insides twisting when my hopes fall to my feet. Been there, done that, survived. Nothing's ever as bad as we predict. I get laughed at when I say that in my life I follow one simple rule 'enjoy the little things'. I do, though. I do. Either it's a door bell, caffeine dose or an afternoon with someone lovable. That's the closest we ever get to happiness. And this is what I cling to and what recharges my batteries :)

a little celebration.

The part of my winter break that I actually spent at home seems almost insignificant. I feel somehow torn between two cities. Each of which misses something crucial.This is my first real try shooting black & white film. It feels like exploring a completely different side of lomography. I had chosen some Ilford (XP2 400, to be exact), hoping the results will be enough to convince me and my biggest critics that colorless shooting has at least as much potential as full color.

The day after my arrival, my fam & I decided to celebrate my passed exam and my sister's new job by having dinner in one of the loveliest recently opened restaurants in our town. (Recently opened, duh. I guess it's been around for longer than you may think, but I don't visit home that often and we rarely eat outside, so yeah, definitely new experience for me). And since I always like a little spin in my regular favourite dishes, having a salmon salad with grapefruit, orange and almonds, was a highlight of the day. Casa is a place with cool people, fresh energy and great cuisine, so what's not to love?

Also, using my new 28mm lens gives me a different, fun perspective. Unscrewing and changing lenses does absorb some time, but for now I do have some extra minutes to spare. I was enjoying the last days of sweet, sweet freedom, before I was thrown into university life again. But on the other hand, huuraaay, I'm shooting and posting, how incredible is that??

And every once in awhile I stumble upon something that simple and esthetically pleasing as the video below. Enjoy :) (#12 Forget shit and move on) Oh how much I need number 12 in my life nowadays. Time to flee the scene of this incident, breathe in slowly and move on. There's no use in settling for second best. Not anymore. The truth is, I feel weaker than I've felt in a long time, but on the other hand I am stronger, because I've made the first step towards self preservation. Life has always been about forgetting. And well, I'm going to nail its techniques sooner or later. 

But what if it's not about forgetting but about accomodating? It is about some funny evolution process, which can be achieved only after your heart has been broken some certain number of times. Cutting ties is easy, it's a sharp cut between what we used to be and what we will be from this moment on. I am not proud of always burning my bridges. Not everyone is supposed to stay in your life and in your bed, but you're not the only deciding factor. Keeping your exes might be foolish, and sometimes it might just prolong the bleeding for some significant amount of time. But maybe at some point you will realize that you've grown fonder of having people around. Of having certain people around, not matter in what form. I miss X for our long conversations about music and cinema. I miss Y because of his 'fuck it ' attitude, that was always somehow uplifting and energetic. Z cooked well, and to be quite honest, I just wish I could have someone cook for me the way he did. Q gave me this incredible impression of a relationship, and just the first boost of any confidence in my life. And you, you have given me a bit of everything. A little bit of all that. 

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND from frohlocke on Vimeo.

helios 28mm

I genuinely thought you were my way to equanimity, when in fact you're my way down. All the way down to places I have been before and always wished I would not come back. But I'm here again, and I'm freezing. It feels like being pushed into an air-hole on a lake in the middle of the winter of the century. Maybe you're the winter of the century, and I should have known that earlier, before I stepped outside completely bare. Yes, I have definitely been there before. Felt the guilt, the tiredness, lack of hope.  There's this lump in my throat, which I feel like I could swallow back down, but it keeps appearing and it keeps killing me from the inside, just as I try to keep the tears in. Over the years I have learnt to cry silently. My most sincere tears are tears cried in complete silence.

As a kid, I would count backwards from ten and imagine at one, there would be an explosion– perhaps caused by a rogue planet crashing into Earth or some other major catastrophe. When nothing happened, I'd feel relieved and at the same time, a little disappointed.

I think of you at ten, the first time I saw you. Your smile at nine and how it lit up something inside me I had thought long dead. Your lips at eight pressed against mine and at seven, your warm breath in my ear and your hands everywhere. You tell me you love me at six and at five we have our first real fight. At four we have our second and three, our third. At two you tell me you can't go on any longer and then at one, you ask me to stay.

And I am relieved, so relieved–and a little disappointed. 
 

But on the other hand, I've got a new lens. So there's at least this tiny piece of good information that I carry. After a long time of whining, searching and mourning high prices of lomo equipment, I finally found something to add to my collection. Since I could not be happier with my Praktica, which was cheap, but most of all - reliable, instead of changing the camera, I reached out to get myself a new lens. I have been using the 58mm Helios 44-2 since last summer, when it totally stole my little heart with its precious bokeh. Having found a 28mm Helios lens with a price that was not mindblowing, I decided to buy it and take it for a spin! What lens are you looking forward to adding to your collection? For now I am stuck with the M42 mount, so let there be light for me and my new Helios lens. Cannot wait to start shooting! And since right now I feel like buying a one way ticked to Guatemala and never coming back, looks like the adventure's about to begin. Or end. Or whatever.

You can stack misery, you can pack despair, you can even wear your sorrow – but come tomorrow you must change your clothes. Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever.

mornings

One of the things that stole my heart in January was having breakfasts outside of my apartment. Friday, a day with a few lectures and a philosophy class. Definitely the highlight of the week, long anticipated, finally arriving. I definitely loved January Fridays. One I spent in Gdansk, second, (almost the whole day) in bed, third- started with a little walk in this chilly weather to get my dose of American pancakes and some fresh perspective on what this town has to offer. ;)