whatever it is you're seeking

Whatever it is you're seeking, won't come in the form you're expecting.

Seeing your only sister wearing a wedding dress might be just the most remarkable feeling in the whole world. When the curtains moved apart, I finally realized that this is really happening. June 6th (and I still have no date or generally someone to accompany me, damn it). Okay okay I got a bit teary, but the apogee will be the wedding itself. By the time this thing even starts I will have my mascara running down my face like a stream. It's seriously going to be nerve wrecking experience. Thank God this is not me getting married.

Let me just say how crushed I actually was, when for the first time I learnt that our weddings are nothing like American movies weddings. I've never been to a wedding before, so everything I think I know about weddings comes from cheap romantic comedies that I watch from time to time. And a number of weddings on "The Bold and the Beautiful", but I'll leave that with no further comments. It's hard for me to accept that it seems like the most crucial part is omitted, how come the groom doesn't get told he can finally kiss his bride? This is life ruining. It's not like I'd love for something like this to happen, but I am also sad that the bit of "speak now or forever hold your peace" just won't happen. It's like the most exciting part of the wedding, according to most of the films! Damn the suspense!

worry less. do more.

I'm back home for Christmas time. Almost with a clean slate at my school. I was never too religious, so I'd rather use this time to rebuild myself and to think. I'd done an awful lot of thinking even before I left Białystok, but in a way thinking between getting one pass and another was not the healthiest kind of thinking. Done at 3am, brainwashed, tired.

Highlights of the week. I finally ordered myself some poetry that I'd longed for. Yes, I finally bought Love & Misadventure. Yays to reading under the sheets, with coffee and marshmallows. I'm somehow really curious about it. Not that the misadventure part is much more familiar to me, I remember how I could relate to Lang, the first time I read her works. But I do plan to write a separate post on the lovely time I spend with Miss Leav. I am finally getting the sleep that I needed and it feels bloody marvellous. It's hard not to stay up until early morning hours, especially when the topics of conversations get fiery, but I do enjoy my waking up at noon. I was never a big fan of Christmas time, but I do enjoy a party once in awhile, so my New Year's Eve options are still open. Surely you don't know, but a year ago, right after a new year began, I made myself a happy jar. A jar where I'd put mentions of things that made me happy in 2013. I am picky when it comes to officially labelling things as "happy makers". I forgot to bring it back home with me, but I do remember most of them, so even if I end up drinking champagne with my friend somewhere close to neither Białystok nor my hometown, I know I will be able to recall them all. 

I bought myself a used Lomo Fisheye. Why a Fisheye? I was never into such pictures so much, but when I saw a girl I know from high school times, selling her lomo on facebook, I just couldn't pass on such opportunity to try something new. Yes, I do enjoy new things in my life. It's beautiful, gold and to be quite honest it feels like a plastic toy in my hands. I got used to tank-like cameras, and being absolutely and utterly in love with my Praktica, which will stay in my heart forever, I'm just happy that I finally got something lighter, with a flash, which might be a fit for the life of the party that I lead from time to time. I am going to give it a try with a regular 200 iso roll (though I know what they recommend is actually 400, so we will see) and see for myself whether I get that vibe or using a toy-like camera is not for me.  As per usual, I plan to have a lot of fun while doing so. Gdańsk, here I come. I've never been to the sea in the winter before. Oh the joy of the first times.  Do you have any tips for me, as a beginning Fisheye user?

“There are a million ways to bleed. But you are by far my favorite.” 

(One of "I wrote this for you" little paragraphs that make me want to scream inside. There will be a post on those books and my favourite quotes, containing about a million of words, since I love each and every sentence that this book carries inside. Damn me, my feelings and those pages.)

I will speak to you soon! Have a merry one, guys! Thank you for sticking around. I know 2014 will be exquisite. There is just no other way, you know. Thank you Erin, for this beautiful Christmas card that you've sent me. You're the loveliest! Thank you for making my Christmas brighter with all those glitter little Christmas trees! Thank you, Katie, for ever introducing me to the idea of lomography. Your blog was what pushed me towards making my own. Thank you everyone for being such a great inspiration in 2013.

winter shorts

Hello there, snow. Hello there, frost welcoming my cheeks each time I exit the library. 

I was afraid of winter this year. Afraid of its cold touch upon my already freezing heart. Few weeks ago, this is exactly what I wrote in my diary. "I am worried about the impact the forthcoming winter might have on my heart. I am afraid, this time around, it will miss the warm touch it received a year ago. Maybe it will even freeze over eventually. But wouldn't that be for the best? Frozen is better than itching from cold and tiredness. Frozen means better off safe, delicate, yet not currently suffering. Unless something comes creeping in with a hammer to shatter it to pieces, and I may never retrieve its prior form again, even if spring ever comes." Winter came, along with December of all-nighters, patients, not keeping my distance with some people, and sinusitis. I really did intent to write more, the universe knows I did. I just got caught up with stuff that I could not postpone. Don't feel abandoned, though. I predicted short winter days and artificial lights would not become my best friends, so it's not anything that I didn't plan. Getting a new film developed is like a spark in this brand new cold world. I guess there's no turning back now, right? Christmas is happening and I can do nothing about it. Not that I have something against it, I just never felt like it was my time of the year.

How come whenever winter comes we become more dependent on other people? We do want to become dependent on someone, and that's the truly scary part. You can try to kill it with time you spend with your textbooks, but it always comes back, crawling up your spine. You become responsible for what you have tamed.

I slept for approximately two hours last night, but now I just can't seem to fall asleep. How would you call it? Apathy? Or maybe a change of the heart?  Having hot water with honey and ginger, a real gem of my childhood, I try to calm myself down and write to clear my head. Actually, after all the anger left my mind, I am thankful that you decided to cross-question me that night and make me admit something that I was always afraid to admit to myself. I could be myself with you, if only just for a moment. I wish you were more responsible with me later on, but I know it's silly. I should have known better, after all those times. And it's myself that I blame the most.

(Lomo side of the story. Agfa vista 200 with artificial light, what was I even thinking?)

Sadly, I only managed to see one projection at the Żubroffka festival this year. Just one and it managed to bring me all the way back to the start, December 2012. Before you google it, Żubroffka is an alternative film festival, held in Białystok. Being international, it brings together loads of amazing people, cultures and points of view. Their beautifully printed catalogue is my favourite souvenir, and definitely something that I plan to collect through the years. 

Two hours, five movies. A documentary, two animations, two stories. A perfect balance. I sort of agree that this year, the festival was slightly different. It's still, of course, alternative, which I adore, but last winter, when I entered the cinema for the first time, everything just drew me in. Somehow it was more magical, more personal. Not because of the obvious reasons, but maybe I just missed the point back then. Despite all that, it's definitely an event to attend, so go for it, if you ever have a chance!