20.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me -- Here I am, oldest I've ever been and the youngest I will ever be. What a deep thought, lol. At the age of 20, I'm studying dentistry, I've had a dozen of blogs, a kind of successful tumblr blog with few thousands of followers, but I am still a hell of a mess maker! Tumblr taught me that it's okay to be awkward, it's alright to spend your Saturday nights in, watching silly movies of your preference (horrors in my case, always horrors) and it's more than acceptable if the list of your previous boyfriends is short or maybe even non-existent. I've developed 11 films -- but never yet got 36 out of 36 pictures on them. If I were to form one simple costant in my life, it would the fact that pictures of me in the mirror or captures of coffee I make myself, spending way to much time on decoration of what I'm about to drink, NEVER turn out alright on film. Duh. Sadly, I gave up on my vidding career and possible Hollywood fame. I have done some very stupid things, trusted people I shouldn't have, fucked up my relationship with parents, ruined a few friendships as well. It puts me almost at the start of year two, at uni, over 200 kms away from my hometown. During those 20 years I got addicted to caffeine and bad reality shows (mostly Hardcore Pawn and some stupid Polish ones, we all know what I'm talking about). I proved a lot to myself over that time. Overcome some fears along the way. I don't intend to give my character any particular depth. I am a regular nerd, with no social life, several passions and unstoppable will to pursue dreams and make changes. 

Most of the time, I have been lost. Wandering around, stumbling upon things that might have or mightn't have blossomed into something more. I found myself in Japanese literature, especially in Murakami's magical realism. Over the years, I have been a little detective with Christie, a young woman from the suburbs of Boston with Plath, May Kasahara of The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle & Lisa Rowe, an interrupted sociopath. I have tried writing myself, one shot fics I'd call them, just for kicks of cheering me up if I'm ever down and in need of taking my mind off things. I was a happy child, naively thinking I had a perfect family like the ones you'd see in Sunday movies on telly. I never made any strong relationships with people. Thoughts of primary school bring on a vague feeling of being rejected by others, misunderstood, vague enough to be shaken after a moment, when I remember all the cool things I was a part of back then. I'm still pretty sure I was not the widely liked or appreciated kid. Junior high was the initial period of time when I consciously reached out to someone and got my heart broken for the very first time. That sort of went on and off for next 10 years. In high school I told myself that it's no use in having any regrets at all, especially if I don't do anything wrong -- I was always a sensible person and although some of my actions were plain stupid (I don't regret them, but I can fully agree that I must have been a dumbass back then), but to be quite honest, some will make a hell of a story in the future.

I've met some incredible people during those 20 years. It's hard for me to even tell how long I've known Marret, a friend of mine for the Netherlands with whom I first started talking....via youtube. Remember how I mentioned my vidding career earlier in that post? Yeah, exactly. I'm pretty certain she's been in my life the longest (out of the people I can call my friends right now) -- when we meet one day, I swear it will be hard for me to even stop taking pictures of her pretty face! Most of the time, friendships like ours, the over distance ones, don't actually last long. Maybe, in my case it was not actually that hard, but in fact easier. You can ask some of my regular real life best friends (who you will be hearing about A LOT in the future, so I'm not going to dwell on that now, love you babes!), being friends with me is kind of tough. I'm tough. Anything that involves any feelings and me is tough. So I often run away. And if I do, then for awhile there is no turning back for me. I often ask myself why some people actually bother to reach out to me after I fail at reaching out to them, again and again. "My ears hear what others cannot hear. Small faraway things people cannot normally see are visible to me. These senses are the fruit of a lifetime of longing, longing to be rescued, to be completed. Just as the skirt needs the wind to billow, I'm not formed by things that are of myself alone. I wear my father's belt tied around my mother's blouse, and shoes which are from my uncle. This is me. Just as a flower does not choose its color, we are not responsible for what we have come to be. Only once you realize this do you become free, and to become adult is to become free."

I've heard I was different. Too often do I wonder, wouldn't it be easier if people knew how to be completely honest with each other? I'm done with being treated like someone whose reaction you should fear. Being human, knowing how to forgive and forget, I am genuinely sad when someone takes it for granted. Sometimes I feel like I have lost to much due to the fact that people are so diffucult to figure out. My disguise is usually so thin you could see right through it, at least I think so, never had I thought that it's rather hard for anyone to get inside my head. One thing that you should know about me is that I hate deception, I hate foolishness, but I love sushi. Oh well, what an awkward way to finish. 

If you're still reading then well, congratulations, you've made it till the end! Just to sum up everything (pretty much everything I guess) I'd say only that I'd rather take pictures than pose for them. I'd rather drink Martini bianco than rosato -- and I'd rather love people than hate them. Keep that in mind, please. May you have amazing vacay! Namasté!

time is hard to kill since I met you.

This is one of those days...when all the people I meet make me pissed off. Those who make the parking lot out of the pavement I'm walking on, or those who can not even scan the negative, despite working in a camera store. And finally, when a black cat crosses my path, there is nothing else to do but to laugh. I love black cats. A black cat reminds me of some cool moments in my life. The one which is notoriously fed by my neighbours is not even properly black though. No bad luck for me this time, I guess. 

Coming back to a typical lomo topic, actually, I'm not very happy with Lomography 800 iso film. The pictures are grainy and it's not like it takes less light to get good results... I would like to try something new, I have an eye on Kodak Ektar and I think next time I'll give it a try. What are your favourite films? I think you already know what kind of photography I'm into. Would be lovely if you wanted to share your favourites with me under that post! I began a search for a new lens for my beloved Zenit. The one I have now is MC Zenitar-M2s 2/50, which I bought with the camera. I started a new topic at Flickr's Russian Cameras group, which helped me the last time (THANK YOU GUYS!) so I'm just going to wait till someone more experienced replies. 

I took A to my favourite place ever - a really peaceful spot close to where I live - where you can basically reach the middle of the lake with the water level still below your waist. It's perfect for photoshooting, admiring and silly jumps!

My twisted logic tells me that spending yesterday evening in contemplation of the last year, was a very very bad idea. These thoughts come and go more often lately, and are not about just last year, but my whole life. Soon I will turn twenty, and if I ever get lucky, then 25% of my life will be over next Monday. Last 7 priceless days as a teenager. Twenty years of being L’esprit de l’escalier gone just like that?

decaf.

1 day 6 hours and 14 minutes since my last caffeine dose. Damn, giving up is tough! Never again will I say that I am free from any addictions. Take today, for instance. Dental office. My hands are all shaking, and I barely manage to keep my eyes open while standing behind the dentist with whom I do my summer practice. I'm praying in my mind that the patient does not notice. He doesn't -- thank God, I'm getting through this awful day without stabbing anyone in the eye with the suction tube.

Filling plastic cups with water, preparing polycarboxylate cement and setting up patient bibs, made ​​me feel very, very special today. At least it was not the next day of standing still and smiling nervously to patients. Imagine there's a woman sitting on the dental chair with some strange equipment in her mouth while having a whitening treatment and you have to act like she doesn't look absolutely hilarious. That's a torture! But to hear from another one that she would like the crowns over the crown-root inlays in her molars to be all shaped like incisors, priceless.

Not a big fan of heterodontism, huh? Our customer might be our king but not to such extend, jeez.

Hello new me, caffeine free.

xx

I know the world is crazy. I know love is not always the way it’s meant to be. I know sometimes, things hurt. But I also know that we’ll get through this. That our hearts will arrive on the other side, in one piece. That everything is beautiful if we give it the chance to be.

another story I can’t tell anymore

Happy July 10th, everyone! The day that, a year ago, I decided to fuck up my morals completely and entirely. 

I overthink stuff. Why? Because I have too much time on my hands. Recently I started to really question my social skills, as in making friends but mostly - keeping the friendships alive. I am undoubtedly awful at this. Somehow every closer relationship I had in the past turned to colloquial - "shit". I began wondering why that might be. No clear answer to that. Excluding all the outer factors, like people literally dumping me or something comparable, it's always been me. Me, refusing to take up calls, Me, not writing back. Me, claiming I feel beleaguered. At some point, I just...get bored, and it's easier to just call it quits than to try to make it work.

I wish I was firmly anchored in present-day life, but I'm not. It's so easy to just forget yourself, dwell upon the past or hopelessly dream about the future. I've read somewhere that it's more important to click with people than to click the shutter. (Now that I google'd it, Eisenstaedt said it.) But frankly, I do not care about clicking with people anymore. It's funny how everything comes back, even after just a glimpse. Even after a year. Not always in the melancholic manner, more of a "Look, you were here some time ago, now you're here again and you're completely different."

Yes, I finally watched Bridget Jones' Diary. Yes, I got drunk while doing so. Bridget fucking Jones. Walking awkward perfection. I don't know how I went through life not knowing exactly what this movie is about. Hugh Grant must be the only blue-eyed guy I fancy. But I would still go for Darcy. Oh Colin. Old habits die hard I guess. I am indeed tired of going for the same type all of the time. Sometimes it feels practically like going for the same guy over and over again and yet making the same bloody mistakes. In 19 days I'm going to turn 20. It's about time I sort out my priorities.

"I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are."

Resolution #1: will find a nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts.

view on the old town hall from below the arcades next to my old workplace.

I just love it when I find myself strolling the streets and just taking pictures. Sometimes, out of pure, senseless ignorance, I find myself hating that place. The other times, I just stop and stare at how beautiful everything is. Art is all about contradictions and polar opposites, I think. When it comes to photographing the city in the sun, Lomography 400 is my fave! I actually bought 800 this time, I'm going to try it out in Gdansk this weekend since I'm taking some time off to chill out and party my brains out.

I talked to my best friend about it, we agreed that ever since we came back here for vacay, we realized the place itself changed. Maybe it's the fact that everyone was away at the Opener Festival and you could walk down the main street not meeting anyone you know but the city felt emptied, felt like it wasn't ours anymore. 

some mad hope.

I'm back in my hometown, which gives me a new healthier perspective. I still somehow feel like I'm stuck. I dream of faraway places, long journeys, fascinating architecture and people who awake the best in you and give you a new lease on life. I need that. I wouldn't normally classify myself as a loner -- maybe that is the issue. I'm looking for somebody who will understand without additional explaining. It's important to know someone who lights the fire inside of you. My soul's a traveler, never-resting, rolling, rushing on. So far it's been impossible to find anyone who can keep up a pace or outrun me. Going beyond is my goal for next year. Okay, okay, I'll stop before this post becomes some silly pointless speech.

I sort of forgot about how I had wanted it all to unfold. Keeping my eyes on the prize, not getting distracted, getting what I'd always wanted. A scholarship in the UK. A chance at a life I'd dreamt for myself. I don't intend to whine about how miserable my life is, because I certainly don't see it that way.  I found a new way to express myself and I couldn't be happier about that. That. I don't mean I'm happy about every single fact about my life, but I feel like I have the power to change it. Sooner or later. Change. If not the thing that brings me down then maybe just my attitude towards it.

The White Pepper sent me their magazine (oh so kind of them, thank you!) which I will shoot for you as soon as I get a proper film that will handle the lighting conditions I'm forced to work under. WHICH REMINDS ME. I am still pretty into fashion, just like I was a year ago when I made my first fashion blog. I certainly love what The White Pepper has to offer - really edgy clothes! - I particularly adore their classy, feminine dresses with that summer feel in them. I am such a not girly girl but when I see things like that, I go all goo goo ga ga and curse the fact that my wallet cannot possibly afford a piece.

My sister and her fiance visitied me last week in Białystok, so I wouldn't be myself if I wouldn't have shown them my favourite spot in the city. The wedding is happening next summer, on July 7th, and damn me, but I have no dress nor a guy to accompany me yet. That might pose a problem, but somehow I worry about the dress more. My sis has some serious requirements when it comes to that and so far our fashion tastes don't actually click. It's so nice to know she will be in good hands once she gets married. I must tell you, I love the guy! He's the best she could have stumbled upon. I know they will be happy together, I just know it.