roads to walk alone

Another season came and I am already struggling to find my place in this town. Every year I feel changed, like the reality that I had known and loved is gone forever. Every other day I find myself anxious. They say that fear comes from having something to lose and having a lot to live for. We are all afraid of something, but in the moments of sheer happiness we come together no matter what. Today I have a day off. A day of shamelessly not giving a damn about anything and everything. I am starting to wonder how crazy my 20s will eventually get. Life has surely many roads to walk alone, but it's been awhile since the last time I made a conscious decision to do something just by myself. Which way are we headed, huh? How to find time for so many aspects of my life at this point? How to stay motivated?

I want to keep posting, but I can already feel it's going to be tough. I haven't been photographing much, having the same roll in my camera for over a week now. This is why sometimes I will show you things from the past. If I manage to actually live between one sneeze and another, and somehow photograph my life outside of university, maybe this beautiful autumn weather outside of my window right now, then I will be back from time to time. I will try to make my sister finally develop the rolls she made in Greece this summer, so a little guest post is coming your way too! :) How are you holding on? Is fall treating you good?

I might finally give double exposure a try! Any tips?

falling in love with the city

Four days in the capital gave me a chance to experience its light touch upon my heart. It was nice for the first time not to be weighted down by my luggage, but instead walking freely, taking photographs and enjoying myself. I had a list of places to visit while in Warsaw, places recommended by friends and picked while browsing the internet opinions.

trying everything once

It is a Zenit thing.

On how my Zenit broke when in Poznan, parties we did not attend, things we did together and Caramel Starbucks Macchiato.

Not so long ago I told you about my new Zenit ET, which after only one roll became my new favourite in my small camera collection. I loved how intuitive it was to be photographing with it, but it did not last long. I took it to Poznan with me, knowing that if I want to get a chance at capturing this city's magic, this is the right camera for me. Unfortunately it died on me on the second day, since its shutter no longer closes itself fully. Again, pretty unlucky since I very much enjoyed it. And it is the second time around that my Zenit (first 412ls, now ET) fails at working. Still, I tried to stay positive and hope that even though I did not complete the whole roll and I could feel the shutter failing at times, I would end up with a few lovely photographs, which will make me reminisce it all. Now I guess I will come back to my beloved Praktica, since it's the only cam that has not disappointed me so far. What's up with me and Zenits anyway? Why am I so unlucky when it comes to those cameras? Seriously.

The Conference

My third stomatological conference passed faster than I had predicted it would have. We stayed in a lovely hostel little over 200 metres from the main townsquare, where the rooms were made in style of Roman Polanski's movies. Imagine me being all joyful, when the one we got was 'Repulsion'. I am so happy that despite our former worries that the place might not suit us very well, Rosemary's was fun to stay at & had great and helpful staff. Our room was small, yet cosy. There was somebody playing a guitar just outside our window (which I oddly found an advantage). Oh, and also a vodka bar, open from 10am to 5am, on the opposite side of the street, vis a vis our window. Coolest place ever.

3 is a number big enough for me to fail at avoiding comparisons. Gdansk stole my heart and was a way cooler in my opinion. But on the other hand, me in Poznan was definitely more fearless. It's a great thing to be travelling to distant cities, to be able to attend lectures of International professors and breathe some fresh, new air, every 3-4 months. 

I'll try anything once

There is some saying in Polish about Poznan, with its free translation of "city of experience", that I never predicted I would find so true after just one weekend. I had absolutely amazing time. I ate some delicious food (actually staying away from the regional cuisine, next time, I promise!), with a great company. Sure the weather could be nicer, we could see more stuff instead of staying in during the evenings, but I like my choices. I like them to the point of saying 'it was worth it, all of it.' It was my first time ever in that city. Once again, I found myself independent and sure that I can rely on myself. Pretty rad feeling, believe me.

We didn't have time to go around and explore as much as we wished. That kind of breaks my heart, being so close to new experience around each corner and not fully using my options. 

Our maths being flawless, we ended up with extra bus tickets and now we know we want to come back there again, maybe even later this year, for another few days, this time with a map in my hand and a working camera in another. Sending you lots of love, guys! 

whatever it is you're seeking

Whatever it is you're seeking, won't come in the form you're expecting.

Seeing your only sister wearing a wedding dress might be just the most remarkable feeling in the whole world. When the curtains moved apart, I finally realized that this is really happening. June 6th (and I still have no date or generally someone to accompany me, damn it). Okay okay I got a bit teary, but the apogee will be the wedding itself. By the time this thing even starts I will have my mascara running down my face like a stream. It's seriously going to be nerve wrecking experience. Thank God this is not me getting married.

Let me just say how crushed I actually was, when for the first time I learnt that our weddings are nothing like American movies weddings. I've never been to a wedding before, so everything I think I know about weddings comes from cheap romantic comedies that I watch from time to time. And a number of weddings on "The Bold and the Beautiful", but I'll leave that with no further comments. It's hard for me to accept that it seems like the most crucial part is omitted, how come the groom doesn't get told he can finally kiss his bride? This is life ruining. It's not like I'd love for something like this to happen, but I am also sad that the bit of "speak now or forever hold your peace" just won't happen. It's like the most exciting part of the wedding, according to most of the films! Damn the suspense!

worry less. do more.

I'm back home for Christmas time. Almost with a clean slate at my school. I was never too religious, so I'd rather use this time to rebuild myself and to think. I'd done an awful lot of thinking even before I left Białystok, but in a way thinking between getting one pass and another was not the healthiest kind of thinking. Done at 3am, brainwashed, tired.

Highlights of the week. I finally ordered myself some poetry that I'd longed for. Yes, I finally bought Love & Misadventure. Yays to reading under the sheets, with coffee and marshmallows. I'm somehow really curious about it. Not that the misadventure part is much more familiar to me, I remember how I could relate to Lang, the first time I read her works. But I do plan to write a separate post on the lovely time I spend with Miss Leav. I am finally getting the sleep that I needed and it feels bloody marvellous. It's hard not to stay up until early morning hours, especially when the topics of conversations get fiery, but I do enjoy my waking up at noon. I was never a big fan of Christmas time, but I do enjoy a party once in awhile, so my New Year's Eve options are still open. Surely you don't know, but a year ago, right after a new year began, I made myself a happy jar. A jar where I'd put mentions of things that made me happy in 2013. I am picky when it comes to officially labelling things as "happy makers". I forgot to bring it back home with me, but I do remember most of them, so even if I end up drinking champagne with my friend somewhere close to neither Białystok nor my hometown, I know I will be able to recall them all. 

I bought myself a used Lomo Fisheye. Why a Fisheye? I was never into such pictures so much, but when I saw a girl I know from high school times, selling her lomo on facebook, I just couldn't pass on such opportunity to try something new. Yes, I do enjoy new things in my life. It's beautiful, gold and to be quite honest it feels like a plastic toy in my hands. I got used to tank-like cameras, and being absolutely and utterly in love with my Praktica, which will stay in my heart forever, I'm just happy that I finally got something lighter, with a flash, which might be a fit for the life of the party that I lead from time to time. I am going to give it a try with a regular 200 iso roll (though I know what they recommend is actually 400, so we will see) and see for myself whether I get that vibe or using a toy-like camera is not for me.  As per usual, I plan to have a lot of fun while doing so. Gdańsk, here I come. I've never been to the sea in the winter before. Oh the joy of the first times.  Do you have any tips for me, as a beginning Fisheye user?

“There are a million ways to bleed. But you are by far my favorite.” 

(One of "I wrote this for you" little paragraphs that make me want to scream inside. There will be a post on those books and my favourite quotes, containing about a million of words, since I love each and every sentence that this book carries inside. Damn me, my feelings and those pages.)

I will speak to you soon! Have a merry one, guys! Thank you for sticking around. I know 2014 will be exquisite. There is just no other way, you know. Thank you Erin, for this beautiful Christmas card that you've sent me. You're the loveliest! Thank you for making my Christmas brighter with all those glitter little Christmas trees! Thank you, Katie, for ever introducing me to the idea of lomography. Your blog was what pushed me towards making my own. Thank you everyone for being such a great inspiration in 2013.

up in the woods

“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” 

Hello there everyone! Hope you are having awesome start of the weekend. I'm currently in Prague, this post is being added automatically. As I've tried setting my life to Bon Iver's songs recently, this little lomoshoot was more or less inspired by "Woods". Not intending to brag about my love for Justin Vernon, I just want to say a big thank you to my friend AJ, who is the best model I could've imagined. Like I said, the idea appeared in my head while listening to some Bon, but as soon as I noticed that lovely coppice next to a meadow, my mind was already set on how I wanted it all to look like. I truly hope you will all enjoy what we have come up with this time. Summer is coming to an end, soon my autumn/winter term at uni begins as well. Time is like a handful of sand- the tighter you grasp it, the faster it runs through your fingers. I'll talk to you soon if I somehow survive my Czech adventure. Hugs and kisses, Kasia.

suicide awareness day, sept 10th

Suicide Awareness Day, officially called World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD), is tomorrow, but since I'm leaving for Prague, I decided to treat it as a Monday post and post it the day before. A year ago, when I returned from my Calabria vacay, I didn't have too much time to somehow join the project, especially not to do something very creative. I wrote "love" on my wrist as I read somewhere on the internet that it's what you're supposed to do on September 10th to show your support for people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and raise awareness of how big of a deal are suicide rates nowadays. I knew it was nothing special, but it's definitely something that each of us can do. And if you can show it to some larger group of people, it's a success! I am glad that this year I can use my blog to do so. Until the very end, I did not know how to approach this subject. I felt as if it would be easy to overdo it, though I did not want to do some dramatic pictures which people would be afraid to even look at. So I decided to repeat last year's act of participance, this time with the help of AJ as my model. I'm not going to drop any big numbers on your heads. We all know what we're talking about here. 20th leading cause of death, in both genders. I'm realistic, but in a way I am also a believer. I truly want to believe that by rasing our voices, we're doing the best we can to help. This year's theme of WSPD is "Stigma: A Major Barrier for Suicide Prevention." Please visit IASP's official site, where you can learn more about this event, facts and figures or check how you can help locally.

I do not have any personal history to share with you guys. I think we've all had those kind of days. I used to call mine 'the hazy ones'. I wish I had something constructive to say to those who feel too miserable to even think of getting up in the morning. Life gets better. Well, not exactly. Life gets different, though. In awhile, there will be other thoughts occupying your minds, other problems, other ups and downs, but somehow you will find yourself able to face those things. The only way through the storm is right across the center of it, not bailing out, although I really do understand how tempting it sometimes feels like.

Whatever you're going through, wherever you are, know that my thoughts are always with you. I am always here if you need to talk to someone. There is always a person willing to listen to you. Not everything is darkness, but sometimes everyone needs a friendly reminder.

"A semicolon is where the author could have ended the sentence, but didn’t. You’re the author, and your life is the sentence. Don’t end your life. Stay awhile longer. Please, Stay strong." 

"On November 30th wear a black ribbon on your wrist if you have ever self harmed, starved yourself or been suicidal. If you see someone else with one, tell them to stay strong."

By writing “Love” on your arms and wearing something yellow on September 10th, you show support to those who lost someone to suicide, or have suicidal thoughts themselves. Please, take your time to inform as many people as you can and join yourself.

suicidehotlines.com ǀ befriends worldwide ǀ list of international help lines

let's go outside.

let's go outside, get some air / find our souls next to the water

It is only when you ride that you can clear your head of all things unwanted. Now that I spent almost 10 hours on a bus yesterday, I really mean it. Looking at the sun, through the polarized glass windows, with the music loud enough to kill whatever comes to your mind. Two weeks ago, I was in Gdynia, enjoying some late August sun by the Baltic sea. It's a magical and unique thing to be woken up by seagulls in the morning, not by the usual beep-beep of your alarm that already gives you somatic symptoms of depression. As much as I love going away, I love coming back. That visit assured me that even though I regret not studying dentistry in Gdańsk, like every day, I wouldn't want to live that close to the sea. I love breeze, but wow the wind they have there! Hairdo = instantly ruined. My sinuses = instantly suffering.

We had some beautiful sun, a perfect weather for lomoshooting. I was enamoured with the way the water would reflect the rays of sunlight. If I could, I would just photograph those gorgeous white benches all day long. Along with people sitting far from each other, lost in thought, and the glistening water behind that scenery. I had to live up to my sister's expectations and the promise I had made, that's why instead of just lomoshooting random people, who happen to always light the wick, which is my curiosity, I took a few snaps of her and her fiance. Gdynia really surprised me, I think that's why that little trip made me feel so good. At first sight, the city was plain, even less interesting than Gdańsk, but when I was leaving, I realized I'd like to come back there one day. Actually I'd like to come back there quite often. Even though that would probably leave me broke. If you still keep on reading, please tune in next Monday, since I'm going to post something utterly important before my departure to Prague! :)

the news of the day is, finally, after some eventual paperwork, I am officially a student of year two of dentistry. 

Little shout-out to D. who was so amazing and shared a link to my blog on her fb timeline. Thank you for all the kind words. You're my inspiration! x

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(in the picture) I'm wearing an Illustrated People tee btw! Check that brand out! 

This is my favourite picture. I just love how other people take my camera, try to take a picture of me and always fail. One day I'm going to make a sum-up post on that topic. "Other people trying to photograph me. Beware, 99.8% pictures out of focus."

Somehow, with Katie and Evelyn posting about beaches today, I thought that this post would be a fit. I guess we all find it hard to let go of summer, don't we?