decaf.

1 day 6 hours and 14 minutes since my last caffeine dose. Damn, giving up is tough! Never again will I say that I am free from any addictions. Take today, for instance. Dental office. My hands are all shaking, and I barely manage to keep my eyes open while standing behind the dentist with whom I do my summer practice. I'm praying in my mind that the patient does not notice. He doesn't -- thank God, I'm getting through this awful day without stabbing anyone in the eye with the suction tube.

Filling plastic cups with water, preparing polycarboxylate cement and setting up patient bibs, made ​​me feel very, very special today. At least it was not the next day of standing still and smiling nervously to patients. Imagine there's a woman sitting on the dental chair with some strange equipment in her mouth while having a whitening treatment and you have to act like she doesn't look absolutely hilarious. That's a torture! But to hear from another one that she would like the crowns over the crown-root inlays in her molars to be all shaped like incisors, priceless.

Not a big fan of heterodontism, huh? Our customer might be our king but not to such extend, jeez.

Hello new me, caffeine free.

xx

I know the world is crazy. I know love is not always the way it’s meant to be. I know sometimes, things hurt. But I also know that we’ll get through this. That our hearts will arrive on the other side, in one piece. That everything is beautiful if we give it the chance to be.

another story I can’t tell anymore

Happy July 10th, everyone! The day that, a year ago, I decided to fuck up my morals completely and entirely. 

I overthink stuff. Why? Because I have too much time on my hands. Recently I started to really question my social skills, as in making friends but mostly - keeping the friendships alive. I am undoubtedly awful at this. Somehow every closer relationship I had in the past turned to colloquial - "shit". I began wondering why that might be. No clear answer to that. Excluding all the outer factors, like people literally dumping me or something comparable, it's always been me. Me, refusing to take up calls, Me, not writing back. Me, claiming I feel beleaguered. At some point, I just...get bored, and it's easier to just call it quits than to try to make it work.

I wish I was firmly anchored in present-day life, but I'm not. It's so easy to just forget yourself, dwell upon the past or hopelessly dream about the future. I've read somewhere that it's more important to click with people than to click the shutter. (Now that I google'd it, Eisenstaedt said it.) But frankly, I do not care about clicking with people anymore. It's funny how everything comes back, even after just a glimpse. Even after a year. Not always in the melancholic manner, more of a "Look, you were here some time ago, now you're here again and you're completely different."

Yes, I finally watched Bridget Jones' Diary. Yes, I got drunk while doing so. Bridget fucking Jones. Walking awkward perfection. I don't know how I went through life not knowing exactly what this movie is about. Hugh Grant must be the only blue-eyed guy I fancy. But I would still go for Darcy. Oh Colin. Old habits die hard I guess. I am indeed tired of going for the same type all of the time. Sometimes it feels practically like going for the same guy over and over again and yet making the same bloody mistakes. In 19 days I'm going to turn 20. It's about time I sort out my priorities.

"I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are."

Resolution #1: will find a nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts.

view on the old town hall from below the arcades next to my old workplace.

I just love it when I find myself strolling the streets and just taking pictures. Sometimes, out of pure, senseless ignorance, I find myself hating that place. The other times, I just stop and stare at how beautiful everything is. Art is all about contradictions and polar opposites, I think. When it comes to photographing the city in the sun, Lomography 400 is my fave! I actually bought 800 this time, I'm going to try it out in Gdansk this weekend since I'm taking some time off to chill out and party my brains out.

I talked to my best friend about it, we agreed that ever since we came back here for vacay, we realized the place itself changed. Maybe it's the fact that everyone was away at the Opener Festival and you could walk down the main street not meeting anyone you know but the city felt emptied, felt like it wasn't ours anymore. 

some mad hope.

I'm back in my hometown, which gives me a new healthier perspective. I still somehow feel like I'm stuck. I dream of faraway places, long journeys, fascinating architecture and people who awake the best in you and give you a new lease on life. I need that. I wouldn't normally classify myself as a loner -- maybe that is the issue. I'm looking for somebody who will understand without additional explaining. It's important to know someone who lights the fire inside of you. My soul's a traveler, never-resting, rolling, rushing on. So far it's been impossible to find anyone who can keep up a pace or outrun me. Going beyond is my goal for next year. Okay, okay, I'll stop before this post becomes some silly pointless speech.

I sort of forgot about how I had wanted it all to unfold. Keeping my eyes on the prize, not getting distracted, getting what I'd always wanted. A scholarship in the UK. A chance at a life I'd dreamt for myself. I don't intend to whine about how miserable my life is, because I certainly don't see it that way.  I found a new way to express myself and I couldn't be happier about that. That. I don't mean I'm happy about every single fact about my life, but I feel like I have the power to change it. Sooner or later. Change. If not the thing that brings me down then maybe just my attitude towards it.

The White Pepper sent me their magazine (oh so kind of them, thank you!) which I will shoot for you as soon as I get a proper film that will handle the lighting conditions I'm forced to work under. WHICH REMINDS ME. I am still pretty into fashion, just like I was a year ago when I made my first fashion blog. I certainly love what The White Pepper has to offer - really edgy clothes! - I particularly adore their classy, feminine dresses with that summer feel in them. I am such a not girly girl but when I see things like that, I go all goo goo ga ga and curse the fact that my wallet cannot possibly afford a piece.

My sister and her fiance visitied me last week in Białystok, so I wouldn't be myself if I wouldn't have shown them my favourite spot in the city. The wedding is happening next summer, on July 7th, and damn me, but I have no dress nor a guy to accompany me yet. That might pose a problem, but somehow I worry about the dress more. My sis has some serious requirements when it comes to that and so far our fashion tastes don't actually click. It's so nice to know she will be in good hands once she gets married. I must tell you, I love the guy! He's the best she could have stumbled upon. I know they will be happy together, I just know it.